From Career to Stay-at-Home Mom: How to Reclaim Time, Identity, and Purpose as the Full-Time Parent || coaching call with Janie

In a recent coaching call with Janie, a mother navigating the shift from a professional career as a social worker to a stay-at-home mom, we delved into the deep-seated challenges that accompany such a monumental transition. Janie, like many, found herself yearning for personal connection and a sense of self amid the continuous tasks of motherhood.

Throughout our discussion, we addressed practical strategies to help Janie reclaim her identity while embracing her chosen responsibilities as a mother. By exploring pressure-free mindset shifts and grounding habits, Janie is starting to balance self-care with motherhood. The journey towards progress involves small, consistent steps, focusing on what resonates personally rather than rigid routines.

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TRANSCRIPT

Monica: I feel like I'm sensing from you what you really need is ways to not feel consumed by your responsibilities. Mm-hmm. And to claim your life as your own, even within your responsibilities. 'cause these are things you've chosen and you value them.

Yeah, it's true. And you want this life. Mm-hmm. But you also want it to feel like yours.

 

 

Hi, this is Monica Packer, and you're listening to about progress where we are about progress made practical. I want you to think about a season of your life where everything shifted. Maybe it was graduating from college, getting married, having your first child, starting your career. There's one major life shift that I don't think we talk often about going from being a working mother to a stay at home one.

This shift is often deeply valued by the women who make it, but surprisingly challenging. Women in this position often tell me that their days feel fuller, but somehow emptier at the same time. It's confusing internally, and then they add on the extra challenge of being in an urgency bound role and struggling to make time for themselves to make this life still feel like theirs. That's exactly where today's guest, Janie found herself. After becoming a mom of two, Janie recently stepped away from her career as a social worker. She expected the transition to be hard, but she didn't expect to feel this lost and isolated and consumed by the endless to-dos of motherhood.

She shared that this shift felt even bigger than having her second baby. In this coaching call, we talk about why these identity shifts are so disorienting, how it's not a lack of discipline that makes self-care habits hard for moms. It's a lack of realistic opportunity, and how small moments of intentional me time can actually help life feel like yours again.

We also explore how to rebuild community without adding undue pressure. How to create structure that works in real long life, and how to reclaim parts of yourself without adding on one more thing to your plate. If you've ever loved your family deeply, but still wondered, where did I go? This episode is for you.

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Monica: Janie, I am so glad to have you here for a coaching call. Thank you for doing this.

Janie: Yeah, thanks Monica. Glad to be here.

Monica: Can you introduce yourself to the people who are listening in? Tell us a little about you. Yeah.

Janie: My name is Janie. I live in Michigan, and I'm a mom of two, a 4-year-old and almost 1-year-old next week actually.

And yeah, I am here because I had a pretty massive life shift, you would think from having the most recent baby, which it was. But I stopped my job as a social worker a few months ago, and I am a new stay at home parent, and I have never done this before, not with my first, I went back to work right after my leave and I, um, am just trying to find, obviously I have a lot of meaning in my life, but just how that actually plays out in like the day to day.

Hmm. Uh, newness of my life, um, feeling a little lost and want to just not just clean and, and cook and do laundry all day long, even though I cook.

Monica: Mm-hmm. Yeah. This paradox is something that I feel 99.9% of women, um, I have come across and interact with, all deal with that paradox of valuing, being the stay at home or primary parent.

Yep. Also it being surprisingly challenging in terms of it feeling meaningful or purpose driven or that it's more than just the. To dos, right. Tasks? Yes. Yeah. That, so if you were to Yeah. Expound on that a little bit more. When you say, like, I, I feel, uh, like you wanna, uh, you're feeling lost, a little stuck.

Mm-hmm. Like, you're lacking some meaning. Can you paint that picture a little bit more for me? Like, what does that look like and feel like for you?

Janie: Yeah. Um, I think it feels a bit lonely just because I don't have a lot of, mm-hmm. Mom, friends who are also in this boat actually. Really? Um, and the ones I do have are just, have different things going on, like homeschooling or, different lifestyle I guess.

Hmm. Um, and I am, I used to be a social worker. I really wanna be invested in my community and. Um, but then there's also like preschool. Um. Driving twice a day and then a nap for my baby. So I feel like I'm stuck at home because of these logistical challenges.

Okay. Um, and I just don't have a lot of peers who I feel like have similar life circumstances right now. Okay. Um, so I feel like a stay at, I'm a stay at home parent, but I just don't feel like I fit into certain molds that I see around me. Mm-hmm. Um. Mm-hmm. Like for instance, next year will be kindergarten for my 4-year-old, and we're just planning to use like our local school here.

It's hard to even frame, but I, I found a lot of meaning in my work. Mm-hmm. Um, it just, for several reasons, it just wasn't right for us anymore. I guess I just really wanna find other things to do other than. Things around the house, the endlessness of it all. Yeah.

We do go to the library sometimes, you know, when it works out. But that's kind of what I always get from people when I share this express, this conundrum is like, well just go to like library story hour and all that stuff is wonderful. It's hard for me to feel like I can make friends there.

Got it. Or, um, really truly make connections with people. Um, and that's even if it works out for like the baby's nap schedule and the preschool pickup, if we can even do that kind of thing. Yes. Yes. So trying to find things to do that are meaningful to me and that make me feel connected to the outer world that are not like, obviously, like I know you've done a series on MLMs and I have friends who do you know, just trying to find other things that aren't these different molds I see around me.

Monica: Okay. I want you to kind of be contemplating more of what you do want to feel and what you want. To be different. One thing you just said is connection to the outside world. Yeah. Um, so let's expound on that. Okay. But before that, I just wanna pause to try to help you have a no wonder moment where you can be like, no wonder this is so hard.

Mm-hmm. Because you went from having, you know, motherhood and a career, so within the career and motherhood like that, but whole balance, you have a lot more necessary structure to a day like of where you have to be at certain times and when and which duties get divided into which places. Yeah. Okay. And now everything's kind of just blended together, right?

Yeah, it's muddled up. Yes, it's muddled. Ooh, good word. And I'd also say you went from doing something that was very specific in terms of tasks to it being more nebulous and ongoing and endless, and slightly mundane too. Mm-hmm. And I'm not trying to devalue that. I'm just being. Honest about exactly how it feels.

Yeah. Yes. And you went from something that you could see the outcomes, like there was a finished product more often. Yeah. And like we just described, you don't easily or often get that. Mm-hmm. Being full-time at home. Right, right. Pay,

Janie: it's a huge, it's a huge shift. It honestly feels like more of a shift in 2025 than.

Than giving birth to a second child.

Monica: I understand that. But yeah, so if we can give you that no wonder moment, I want you to just really kind of, and I don't think you're being hard on yourself, actually. I don't really sense that from you, but I just wanna add in that validation of, no wonder this is hard.

This is extremely hard. Yeah. And no wonder it feels isolating. Yeah. Because I don't necessarily have my peers doing a similar. Day-to-day life like I am right now.

Janie: Yeah, for sure. Yeah, it, it does make sense and I have been hard on myself in the past. This is like month four or five uhhuh and I can tell a difference in myself now.

I'm kind of ready to like take this to another level than where I have been since the fall, which was more just like totally spinning my wheels. Just yeah, like. Not even knowing what to do, and I'm like, okay, let's, let's get out of this and let's. Try something different.

Monica: Okay. And I'm proud of you for doing that.

I mean, that's, and it's also important to move through those feelings as well. So when they revisit you, which is sure to happen, you know, uh, just try to take that moment and walk through it just like we did. Kind of try to give you that moment to validate why this is hard and that it's understandable and it's okay, and how you are still making a choice to try to move forward in a different way.

Okay. Mm-hmm. Alright, so with that foundation in mind, let's revisit what I was just bringing up about what you do want. Like basically what is missing that you wanna bring back, right? We started with connection to the outside world. Mm-hmm. Is that still something you want?

Janie: Yes, it is. Yeah. Else. And that could be in person or like even virtual.

I, yeah, yeah. Um, honestly just like talking to people, um, talking to people about things other than. Like the kids, which is great. But yeah. Okay. What else? Um, feeling like I have gotten ready for the day and it's like my day has started. Got it. I, I, I really miss about my old job, getting to my office, sitting in my cubicle, starting my computer, and just like having this moment of transition and like I have my coffee and it's like.

Just that little 15 minute, like eight to eight 15. That was a great little time. Um, yeah. Just that transition.

Monica: Mm-hmm. Okay. I think that sounds like you need a little bit of structure mm-hmm. And maybe some like rituals to transition to different parts of your day or tasks of your day. Is that right?

Mm-hmm.

Janie: Yeah, I think that's great. I, okay. Thus far, I have not like gotten ready for the day at the same time. Yeah. Or the, this whole time so far since September. So that part really matters to you of your day. I'm like mid-morning noon or the occasional 7:00 AM and then I'm like, wow, I am doing great. And then I have a hard time ever replicating that day.

Came, um, what else,

what else I need? To have little, like, touch points in my week to look forward to where I know I'm going to see people or, um, where I, I would, it sounds, I, well, it doesn't really sound silly, but. I just don't know the answer to this question. I would love to like, sit down at a computer and like do some kind of work.

I just, um, I miss using my, that, that part of my brain. I will say I'm getting so many more steps in my day, like my physical health has improved since being a stay at home parent and not being in my o my old office. So that's great. I'm moving a lot more, but I am not using this part of my brain. Um. Yeah.

Okay. But I don't know what I would do, so that's why it kind of feels like a silly thing to put out there, I guess.

Monica: Okay. So that to me sounds like. Like you said, touch points, um, of reconnection. It sounds like while connecting with others is important, it's more about connecting with yourself and what helps you feel that connection is using your brain and or doing something that's kind of outside of you, like a task that that could be, you know, volunteering or a project or even something funner like a book club.

Something like that. Yeah. Okay. The question mark is there? The, what is the question mark? The what?

Janie: Yeah. Because I know things I don't wanna do. Okay. Love that. And I, I really, I do kind of fixate on like what I don't want my life to look like or how I don't mm-hmm. Want to do versus, um, what I do want it the opposite, the positive.

Yeah.

Monica: Yeah. Honestly, though, that information is really important and, and it's where I start with women who don't know. Like when I ask them, what do you want? And they can't answer it, I ask them, what do you not want? Mm-hmm. What don't you want? Because the opposite of that is actually what's calling to you.

Mm-hmm.

 

Monica: Yeah. So maybe we can add to your list a bit. Like just think like, what is the thing I don't want and what's the opposite of that, that maybe I haven't touched on yet that may surprise you or maybe not.

Janie: Right. Um, what I. Don't want is, to feel consumed by my kids and family life. And I want to do something that has nothing to do with my kids, with the house.

Even if I'm in the house. Yes, I want to think about something completely. Different. And, um, I wanna be involved in something that does nothing to manage the home. Um, yeah. Okay. Yeah, and I did, I did start a book club. I'm on month three of it. Oh. And it makes that our, uh, coffee shop we have down the street here.

Yeah. And I have had one friend come. And I keep getting in my head about it. I'm like, she's just coming to like, support me. Or like, if she says no, I'm just gonna be sitting at the coffee shop by myself. Um, so I I, I'm like, what should I do about this? Should I keep it going? Or it's just a grand experiment.

I like that it was very nerve wracking to, to start, but I knew I wanted to. Um, so I have one friend coming, which she's, it's great. She loves reading, so it's, it's genuine, but I get in my head about it.

Monica: Oh yeah. I can totally understand the duality of that, of being like we're doing it, but also what. Is happening.

Yeah. And it's this real or yeah, or yeah. Am I bothering her? Like Exactly. It's weirdly vulnerable To do it is vulnerable. Yeah. Okay, so with that touch points. Uh, part of the reconnection is being less bound to your responsibility, so having something that is responsibility free, but also about that reconnection to yourself.

You said the word consume, so it's separate from, I think what I'm really getting at is I feel like I'm sensing from you what you really need is ways to not feel consumed by your responsibilities. Mm-hmm. And to claim your life as your own, even within your responsibilities. 'cause these are things you've chosen and you value them.

Yeah, it's true. And you want this life. Mm-hmm. But you also want it to feel like yours.

Janie: That's so true. And I've realized about myself that I am a task. Hmm. Person I always thought I was, um, not that because I was a social worker and social workers are people, people. And I am a people person, but I do thrive on the task list.

But it can also be like to my detriment, um, because I can, I can make a great task list around the house and I can attack things, but then by the end of the day, I feel very depleted. Yeah. Um. So, yeah. Not being consumed by, you said something really great. Um, the responsibilities of Mother Health. Yeah, yeah.

Like just to like, I. I mean, it's like, should I, I just think to myself between tasks, if I'm really in that mode, like I should go outside and like stare at the clouds for five minutes and, and I never do, but I just think about doing stuff like that just to be com do something completely different.

Mm-hmm. Um, and another element to this is that I'm a person of faith, and my faith has changed, so I can't just automatically plug into certain things that have also been recommended to me. Like, like, um, Bible studies and things like that in the community that are great and that have free childcare.

And I'm like, should I do just for the childcare? Hmm. Um, but it's not something that is resonating with me right now, and I, I honestly don't know if it'd be wise. For me to put myself in some of these environments that I'm very familiar with. So that's kind of the other, yeah.

Monica: Um, that's one of the other question marks.

Yeah. As well as shifts. Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely both in inward shifts, but also practical shifts of like what your day-to-day life looks like and the resources in the community that you have. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Reclaiming your life as a stay at home mom, especially, I would say is one of the most complicated and yet rewarding ventures You can go on and I know you're here because you know doing so will actually help your. Motherhood feel more meaningful. Like the, the mundane tasks will feel more meaningful when you feel like you are still yourself within that life and you have those touchpoints that ground you, that reconnect with you, with others, with yourself, with your brain, with these parts of yourself, with your interests came.

So I don't feel that we need to coach on all that, 'cause I think you get that. But what I wanna do is just remind ourselves, the heart of why you're here is. That you want life to feel like your own? Yeah, I do. Yep. Okay.

Janie: Yeah, I think that's why I loved my getting to the office transition. Yes. Was because.

Space in like no one else's. Um, my family came and visited me once at work and that was lovely. But other than that, you know, nobody else knew where everything was in my little cubicle and it was just your most basic space. But it was like, ha, this my space. Yeah. Yeah. So my brain is going many directions on what we can do to help ranging from grounding habits that could act as touchpoints in a day.

How to try to add in some structure, how to even maybe explore the possibility of creating a room of your own. In your home where you're, it's almost like you're haven for your interests and things you can lean into. We could also discuss like finding community and ways to do that. We can talk about the getting ready habit.

There's so many different directions we can go, but what we want to do right now, again, our goal is to help you feel like your life is your own. Okay, what is one thing we can start with? What is one way we can do something to start that will begin to help you feel like I am claiming this life as my own.

I claim this life, the choices I've made and why I'm here and I value these choices and I'm here too. This is my life. Mm-hmm. So which direction would help you do that? We can start on,

I think, something to do with habits. Um. Because that's an area of, um, I've just always had a mix, like a tricky relationship with habits and discipline and, and I don't really know why, but I, I just, I think it's just because I feel like I'm not a very disciplined person.

Um, and I really want to work on that muscle and. I feel like I've done it just out of willpower. Yeah. Um, like the days I, I mentioned that I had actually gotten up and gotten ready by like seven o'clock. That was kind of a fluke. That was just 'cause like maybe I didn't sleep well and I was like, well, I'm up.

I might as well just get up versus like, like, I'm going to do this and this is why. Mm-hmm. Um, and I can do it consistently and not just randomly. So. I think the getting ready habit, and then I would love to do something in the middle of the day when I put my baby down for his nap. That is, for me, that time is so fleeting and I find myself like I'll put him down, leave his room immediately.

I'm like doing the laundry like immediately and

Monica: sounds pretty disciplined to me.

Janie: You know that that part of my day can be, and I have never thought of it that way. Um, yeah, I guess I do have some of that.

Monica: You definitely do. You definitely do. I just wanna, sorry for that little push, just like a little interjection there like you are.

Disciplined. Mm-hmm. Perhaps the way that you've been trying to work on these habits in the past have kind of come along, like you've, you've been trying to follow other prescriptions, like ways people do it, or the ways you're supposed to install habits. Mm-hmm. And that may not be as practical or realistic for your life, or they were demand so much energy that it's hard to maintain.

So again, we're doing kind of a no wonder here, right. Yeah, like probably wasn't, I wouldn't even say probably, it's not about lack of discipline, Uhhuh, I think it's more about lack of opportunity.

Janie: Uhhuh, that's, um, eye-opening for sure. And lack of opportunity. Like what do you mean by that?

Monica: So the opportunity to me can go two different directions.

One, the opportunity being the right information on how to do it, given your circumstances of being a stay at home mom, and your tasks being more urgency bound and people driven as well, like a, a kid needs help right then, right? Like, there is no delaying it. Like, and so that also entails interruptions.

It also entails more, tax on your time and your energy. Okay. So that's one. And, and the second is of, of the same. It's, it's more of like how your circumstances in many ways don't provide a reliable opportunity for things to just flow.

Janie: That's the, that's really true. Yeah. It definitely could just, it, it does feel everything feels urgent.

Mm-hmm. Um, even if I am going to relax or try to relax, I am, I feel like my, my heart will still be beating a little extra fast while I just trying to like, sit down. Mm-hmm. And, and, um, I don't wanna be mad about that. Yeah. That, that's just, 'cause I've done that before, but I, yeah. Lack of. Opportunity. This real

 

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Janie: well.

Monica: And I think if we're kind of trying to blend things together, adding a habit that is just about you is also adding in some structure, to make it more possible to have the opportunity. And we'll also do it in a way where it doesn't have to look the same every day. So the opportunity can be flexible based off of your circumstances too.

Like what you do can be flexible enough to meet your flexible circumstances too. , And we'll talk more about how to do that. So I'm hearing some of the possible, uh, habits are getting ready. Mm-hmm. Sometime in the, in the morning-ish. Um, or a midday me time is what I was calling it. Yeah. Like something a time for just you.

Yes. Anything else calling to you?

Janie: I mean, community is always something I think about, like how to cultivate friendship and I think the whole world is thinking about that, like mm-hmm. Um. The loneliness can be real in this new role that I'm in. So even if I could just have like one thing on the calendar, um, every two weeks even, yeah, weekly would be good, but um, where I know I'm going to be able to see somebody out in the community meet up with somebody, another mom, or.

Or not mom, but I, yeah, I, I guess I just sound hesitant because I don't know how to do that or where to do that. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Monica: Um, let's pause and talk about that, but I do wanna spend most of the time on one of those habits. Okay. With this one. You used a word earlier that I think should be the main goal right now.

Exploration. Hmm. And if you actually give yourself a period of time, and I don't even think you have to be strict about it, like for the next six months I'm exploring this, but more of like right now, this is set apart. I'm going to explore what community can look like for me now. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna keep trying that book club.

If it doesn't work, I'll try it in a different way, or I'll try to find some groups online, where people are interested in certain things. I'll try to volunteer once a month somewhere. I'll try to find a mom group that may not be faith-based, but value-based in ways that. Reflect my own, or I'll try to find a, a hobby group that is interested in something I'm interested in.

Like, so a period of exploration I think is what is needed. Yeah. So there's less urgency about what is the answer or how do I do this? And more about, let me try and find out, let me throw spaghetti at the wall. Let me see what sticks. Yeah.

Janie: That sounds so freeing because I have been like, oh my goodness, should I like get into knitting today?

Like, why not? But Yeah. Or, but like I, but

Monica: less about it having to be the thing. Like, if this doesn't work, then I'm like, why do I try anything?

Janie: It's always been with this pressure. Mm-hmm. And like, oh my goodness, I need to figure this out right now. And like, I'm gonna pause making dinner and go look at online to see if I can find this one particular.

Idea I have versus the, the exploration of it.

Monica: So pressure free exploration. Yeah. And this is more about that community part. Okay. Mm-hmm. So let's have you have that in mind and the do something list can help you do that. I have a free training, so I'll make sure you get that link after, so you can, thanks.

DSLs don't have to have a theme or a focus, but they can too. So, and mine could be, be about exploring that. Exploring community focused. Mm-hmm. Yeah. In a pressure free way. Yeah. Yeah. That's for me. Okay, good. Or I'll send you that training again. Um, of the two habits you mentioned, getting ready or midday me time.

Yeah, I want you to go with the one that actually sounds the funnest slash easiest for now, because I think you need a touch point more than you need to be responsible.

Janie: Definitely. Let's go with the midday me time because Okay. I, I think my, if that's yourself,

Monica: your season of life, it, yeah. The getting ready one can come along with time, but let's, let's exercise these muscles outside of the.

Bro, self-help models, like, let's, let's exercise these. How to create a habit for yourself outside of it being kind of more of a should, pressure one for you. , Something that you'll really look forward to and will feel like easier to prioritize. Okay. Sounds good. I've worked with something similar with many, many women and.

You can be really specific about what that me time can look like. You can know every day once I, you know, put my baby down, I get to go read my book and have my tea or a snack just for me or my own lunch. Um, or I get to watch a YouTube video. I don't care what the actual thing is, if it's intentional. And it's serving its purpose, or it could just be some reserved time where each day you have the openness to decide what you need that day and to meet it.

It depends on the person. Some people really need the predictability, and other people just need the predictable time, and they want the flexibility of being able to choose, which is more true for you.

Janie: I just need to know that. I'm going to have a little time to myself to each day today. And responsibility.

Free time. Yeah, responsibility, free time where I don't have to, I don't think I need to do the same thing every day, but maybe just have like two to three, just a just small amount of,

Monica: I do recommend that at least to have like a short list where you're like, these are the possible things I can choose between.

Because you deal with enough urgency bound decisions in a day. Yeah. That's a Such a good that that's one of the ways to lower the hurdle to make this easier, is to ensure that you at least have some go-tos. Yeah, you can choose between, um, many women create almost a zone where they go to and they have like a basket where they put certain things in their books, they'd wanna read magazines, ways to doodle art projects, craft projects, in that one area.

Or like things to do their nails with or, you know, you could have something like that.

Janie: Yeah. I, I love the idea of having it in a space. Mm-hmm. I think what's held me back from doing this is, is that I, I start cleaning because I don't wanna sit down unless I have like, a really clean space. Yeah. Um,

but, but I could. Find a little corner of the house. Yes. Like clean enough. That's like good enough. And that is kind of like I can, I don't have to be looking at every single part.

Monica: Mm-hmm. Where could that be? Do you have an idea?

Janie: Um, well this is, so it's all coming together because the room I'm sitting in right now is like in a construction mode.

Yeah. Like becoming my space. Like I'm in the middle of painting it and I love that this ongoing project that I. Have struggled to pick back up, but that corner's painted and I just, I have a long ways to go, but the vision is there. I love that. So that's great. But it's, it's kind of become a burden, but it's gonna be so great.

So I kind of need like a temporary, this is like the goal space. Um, and it's gonna get there. It's

Monica: what if you used it anyway? Ooh. What if you remove the pressure of it having to be finished in order for you to use it and you just get to use it now and you put in a chair and you add the items to help you use that time in ways that you would like to.

Janie: Yeah. I would've never thought to do that. It was almost like my reward for all this work is that I will use this space. But that sounds so great actually. Like, like being talking to you in this room is just sitting down.

I've never actually sat in this room before, ever to like do anything. So, um,

Monica: it's like Virginia Wolf, a room of her own. I'm, I'm sure I'm butchering the, the way it says, but that's what you need. Yeah. Also, it sounds like a great book record. Well, and what I love, well, yeah, it's, it's, it's a hard read. Okay. I was, oh, an English major.

I'm like, I don't know. It's a hard read. Uh, I don't even think even, I would like to read that during me time. Um, so this is adding the structure. Mm-hmm. It's creating a space. It's also allowing you the flexibility to do what you want.

 

Monica: Do. Do you have a couple things that you know you would like to do that you can kind of gather those items and put it in there?

Yeah. I'm gonna say this really clearly. It, it doesn't have to be worthy. I'm saying that in quotes. Yeah. You are allowed to sit in there and watch YouTube videos for a certain amount of time. Mm-hmm. It doesn't have to be a worthy thing. Right. That's, but what is calling to you? What are some potential things?

Janie: Um, there is a magazine I get quarterly that I love. Um, so I would definitely, I haven't, I haven't finished the one I got like early January. Um, so reading that. Great. Fiction book I have that I love. Those are the two things. Um, I'm glad you're talking about hobbies so much because I really don't have any besides I read, I read.

That's like my one and only thing. Yeah. Um, well maybe knitting can happen. You know what, maybe knitting will be a hobby did happen. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so there's room for, to add other things there for sure.

Monica: If we can practice this pressure free exploration in terms of community, let's also try to practice some pressure free exploration of how you can use this time.

Let's start with what is easy. Mm-hmm. So please put a chair in that room. It doesn't have to be a nice chair or comfy chair. For starters, let's just start with something in there and let's put your magazine in there. And your book I'm may be more complicated if you're like, I read it at night in my room, or I read it here, or I dictate it with me.

If you don't, great, leave it there. Um, otherwise you can just pick it up. And then let's kind of open ourselves, meaning you up to what else could I do? What else could call to me? And you get to just try. Yeah, and see what you like.

Janie: Yeah. This, I think that I, in some ways have never had this season of life before because it was just college grad school, first job.

Second job. Yes. And, and I, it's always been about duty. Never, um, I've never not done that whole string of, of events and just like, you know, exactly like, oh, I'll just do this next thing because that's kind of the norm. Um, I didn't like take a gap year. I just like, bam, bam. So, um, it's a little bit scary to do this.

Kinda stuff. It is, isn't it? Yeah.

Monica: And this is where I'm gonna tell you a couple things. Um, one, this will be strangely uncomfortable in the beginning. Mm-hmm. Do it anyway. Two, to try to make that discomfort a little easier. Try to make it as enjoyable as possible. Play some. Spotify playlist about reading or like music.

you really love add a candle in the room. Like try to add some sensory stuff that, that tricks your brain into thinking, I like this. See we are good here. We're okay. Um, and that third piece is being willing to get messy with it and explore, um. With that, I wanna add lean into the structure a bit. Yeah.

You need a when, then pairing so your brain knows exactly what to do. Mm-hmm. Okay. When I'm done putting my baby down, then I'll walk to my room for me time. Mm-hmm.

Janie: That's, that's it. That's great. Okay. Yeah.

Monica: Two things about that. I need you to practice that today outside of real time. Move through it three to five times so that your brain remembers in real time.

Pretend you're putting your baby down. Walk to your room, sit down and pretend you're taking me time. It will take 30 seconds, and then you do that three to five times in a row.

Janie: Sounds good. Yeah. Again, so I would would've never done. That's so good. Yeah.

Monica: The second thing I want you to do is when you do it in real time, after it's when, then after we're training your brain here, after you do your when, then pairing and you've completed your time, I want you to give as much positive reinforcement as you can to yourself, like especially in the beginning.

This will gradually fade away the after. Literally say to yourself, I did it. Take a moment to feel it in your body. That pride, that excitement, that content, or to even notice those feelings again, that's training your brain. And the third thing is you may have an ideal amount of time that you'd like.

Maybe it's an hour. I spend an hour for myself. I need you to have a baseline time. Maybe it's five minutes on your worst of day when you really do have things you have to go to do. You have to. Mm-hmm. A lot of things probably aren't as much of a have to as we think, but maybe there are some days like that or you're not feeling well or your child has to be picked up from preschool 'cause they're sick or whatever it is.

Yeah. What's the version of this you can do on those kinds of days? That's your baseline. Okay. So like what would that be? Smallest amount? Like the, okay. Smallest and simplest.

Janie: Um, the smallest amount would be like reading one paragraph.

Monica: Beautiful. That's it. Okay. On your worst of days, I want you to do that, okay?

And then you have flexibility. Some days you're gonna hit the ideal of 30 minutes or an hour, whatever your ideal is. Other days it's gonna be 20, it doesn't matter. You have that flexibility, but I want you more times than not. We're not going for 100%, like seven days. Outta seven days. I'm doing this. It's four outta seven.

Okay. More times than not, I do this when then, and then after, especially in the beginning. Okay. Okay. You're gonna train your brain and that will also help you rely less on willpower. Mm-hmm. Energy, perfect circumstances, all of those things. Yeah. How does that feel?

Janie: It feels great. I, I'm, I am gonna do it today or start like training myself today. Um, it feels totally like counter everything I've tried, even if I didn't know I was trying something. Exactly. So, yeah.

Monica: It's so embedded in our subconscious about what it is supposed to look like to have a habit, right? So we're doing this differently.

Again, we're giving you the opportunity to do this in a different way. Yeah. Um, I'm coming back to my life is my own. This is why this habit matters. So when the discomfort or the resistance comes up, when you don't have an ideal day and you're like, the baseline doesn't count, remind yourself. Yes, it does.

Right. Because this small act helps me feel like my life is my own. Mm-hmm. Even that five minute, even that one paragraph Yeah. Will make my life feel a little more like my own today in my space and I'm in my space. Yeah. I'm claiming it. I'm claiming this time, I'm claiming this literal space and I'm claiming my life.

Janie: That's, that's so good. Yeah. It, this has been a really, really helpful,

Monica: you can email me. Accountability. Let me know if you practice it. Also let me know how it goes. And I just, yeah, I just love to hear how, how that ends up for you. And again, we have an pressure free exploration for those. The other thing, the be other big category that you're working on and the DSL is the best thing I think you could do for that.

And I'll send you the link for you to sign up for the free training. And then I like to always end this with hearing about what do you wanna make sure you remember from this call.

Janie: Mm-hmm. I wanna make sure that I remember pressure free exploration. Mm. Um, because if it was just exploration as a, a word to remember, I would attack that.

Yeah. In a very pressure laden way. Of course. Um, just out of my natural tendency. Mm-hmm. So. I'm gonna, my main thing I'm taking away is that phrase and, and like using this space I'm sitting in right now before it's quote ready and done. And before I've quote earned it is, um, the other like huge light bulb.

Monica: Yeah. Yeah. And that's where, you know, one of our big mentalities in our community is we do set things. Not all. Not nothing. It's a big shift. Um, it's surprisingly challenging in the beginning, but the more you do something, the more the big things come. Okay? So you are gonna figure out how to have the other habits that you need.

You are gonna find that community. You are gonna have more meaning in your life overall, and also find more meaning in motherhood that's gonna come. So. You're in this period. I'm proud of you for doing it because many of us, it took years to even start to try. So you should give yourself a moment of like a pat on the back, like, I'm doing it and I'm being brave and I'm taking care of myself.

Janie: Thank you so much. Yeah, I will soak that in. Yeah. I appreciate it.

Monica: So glad you were here, Janie. Thank you. Thank you, Monica. So that's the end of the recording. And.

 

I hope this episode gave you the hug and kick in the pants you need to grow. I'll now share the progress pointers. These are the notes I took so you don't have to, and those on my newsletter, get them in a graphic form each week. You can sign up at about progress.com/newsletter.

Number one, it's normal to feel lost after a major life transition, even a meaningful one. Number two, what feels like a lack of discipline is often a lack of opportunity. Number three, claiming small pockets of responsibility. Free time helps restore a sense of identity. Number four, pressure free exploration is the more doable path to rediscovering what you like and your community.

And number five, habits stick best when they're tied to natural moments in your day. Moments you may not even know are technically habits. Again, the expanded version of those progress pointers are sent each week of the newsletter. Go to about progress.com/newsletter. This podcast is listener supported.

Right now we are neck deep and are here to stay drive, and we've been adding so many supporters. We have to get to 250 to ensure that this work is covered to ensure that the production costs of this work are covered, not including paying me so that we don't have to add in more ads or put about progress behind a paywall.

In return, supporters get access to three levels of exclusive benefits. For more time to more content with me, including more personal, my Private Premium podcast for two levels of the Supporters Club, you can check it all out, including the ongoing prizes. We are dishing out this month at about progress.com/support.

You can always support the show for free. I invite you to do so by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or sharing the show with a friend. Thank you so much for listening. Now go and do something with what you learned today.

 

Hi, this is Monica Packer from About Progress and you're listening to Nope.