I Matter Too: One Mom’s Journey to Self-Care After Divorce || Coaching Call with Amy

Can a simple act like brushing your hair be the first domino to a new life? On this coaching call, I speak with Amy, a single mom of five navigating a complete life reset. She's recently moved into a new home and is preparing to go back to school full-time, ready to move past "survival mode" and build a life of stability.

Amy struggles with prioritizing herself, so we work to challenge the mindset that taking time for herself is selfish. We reframe her old "either/or" paradigm—caring for her family or herself—to an "and/both" mindset. The goal is to build a new life from the ground up, one simple, intentional habit at a time, starting with her morning routine.

This call is for anyone who has ever felt like they were starting from scratch, showing how even the smallest habits can create a path toward a new way of living.

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TRANSCRIPT

Monica Packer: What if brushing your hair could be the first domino to building a new life for yourself? When were you were on your own list? In today's coaching call, I speak with a progressor named Amy, a single mom of five who has been navigating a complete life reset from setting routines in a brand new home to finding time for herself, admits starting school full-time, and of course parenting.

Amy is learning to move from survival to stability, one tiny habit at a time. Okay. In the past, Amy has been guilty of doing too much too soon and dropping her good intentions. So together we explore a new way for her to learn to prioritize herself again, beginning with the morning habit of getting ready.

This habit may seem so simple, but habits are like that. Something on the outside that seems menial in nature actually speaks to us and [00:01:00] supports us in far deeper ways. That became true for Amy in this conversation, starting with learning to brush her hair, you'll hear Amy reference a retreat that I was able to speak at.

The retreat was hosted by my friend Rachel Nielsen, and it was for her amazing membership community called Self-Assured Motherhood.

In it. I spoke about the major failures of the ways we've been taught habits and what we can do instead. And Amy kindly rose her hand to ask a question, and we worked through some things there to apply what I was teaching.

And I bring that up only so you know what we're talking about when she references our conversation and the retreat. This call is for anyone who has ever felt like they were starting from scratch. For some of us that will include the beginning of a new season, like the school year that we're doing right now.

For others, it can be as dramatic and tumultuous even as death or divorce. Regardless, in times of major life [00:02:00] change, it's easy to get overwhelmed and quick when we know there is so much that needs to change Circumstantially with habits, routines, and systems to make the life changes more comparable.

If you're in that place, let my conversation with Amy serve as your own path forward to build a new way of living life from the ground up. One simple habit at a time. That conversation is coming up after a quick break for our sponsors.

/ Amy, thank you so much for doing this coaching call with me today.

Amy: Hi. Thanks Monica. Thanks for having me on the call. Can you introduce yourself a little bit to our community? Yeah, so I um, am a single mom of five kids. I have been, divorced for about four years

you know, life has brought a different, a lot of different things that come up through that process. And, um, anyway, so I'm starting my life back over again. , I'm to a [00:03:00] point where I need to move forward with my life and figure out what's next. So I'm actually going back to school, and finishing, getting degrees and getting myself stable.

And that comes with a lot of different challenges and a lot of different struggles. Sure.

So this is gonna be your first time. Like outside of the home after like post-divorce. Yeah.

Amy: Yeah. And I didn't really work a whole bunch really, even in the time that I was married, raising kids. Like I have five kids really fast and you know, I've been just that Stay at home mom.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. So you not only have the adjustment of going back to school, like you were saying, you have the adjustment on the whole family in terms of everything else. Routines.

Amy: Yes. Yes. Culture.

Like times, like all of that. Okay.

Amy: Yes. And part of that too is,, in the mix of all of this, um, I've recently relocated as well.

Oh yeah, yeah. Just finishing up moving.

Okay. That's a lot. That's a lot. All at once.

Amy: Yeah. [00:04:00] 

Okay. So of all that, what would be the most helpful for us to talk about today?

Amy: I think the most helpful thing is just kind of talking about the routines and structures of like my life and looking forward and kind of coming up with kind of maybe looking at some of the hurdles that I've had in the past and like making them like I know where my weaknesses are.

Yeah. And so. I, I really feel like really good about like clean slate, new house. Like I get to set it up the way that I want it to be, which is so refreshing to kind of like, I feel like, you know, like when you just kind of like jump into a pool, like you just cannibal all in. Yeah. Like, I kind of feel like it's been a lot, but it's like moving to a new place, getting into new, new house.

Like we're just cannon balling all in. Like I get to make everything different, everything new. And to some that might be really overwhelming, but like for me, this is really like a clean slate to be like, okay. And so I'm to the point where I've set up all the rooms and we're moved in and now it's [00:05:00] time where our physical space has been taken care of and now it's time to like take care of that mental and

internal spaces and to kind of help keep like the physical space clean, but also just like keep ourselves in sync with this new lifestyle that we're going into. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So is this more about now? Is it more about like once you're back in school full-time, is that what you're doing? Um,

Amy: partly back in school full-time, but I kind of wanna do something now.

Got it. Like, I think it's important. I think it needs to adjust, obviously when we get back into, like back to school routines, I think that brings a whole new.

Shift.

Amy: But I think we need to practice like we have like two months till school starts. And I feel like if I don't get some stuff stable and at least foundations built better now.

I feel like trying to start new routines, starting new school and me going back to school all at the same time would be too much to adjust to. Mm-hmm. All at once. Hmm. I think that's very wise. Good job. You're already doing a great job. I just am like, [00:06:00] we need to pace this out and mm-hmm. I just don't, I, I know from my past experience that trying to do too much at once is just a recipe for failure.

Mm-hmm. And especially, I think what I really wanna focus on is . New habits, new neuro pathways. Like I have done a lot of growth and personal work up to this point, and so I know what my values are, like I know my strengths, like I've done a lot of that work. I've done a lot of therapy. I have my quirks, I have the things I'm working through, but I have never done .

Living a new lifestyle versus talking about a different lifestyle like I feel like I'm learning how to ride a bike for the first time. People are like, oh, like organizes student routines. And I'm like, but how? My life has been so dysfunctional and you know, you throw in divorce and you throw in all these other things that just make your life survival.

We're ready to move outta survival into thriving and. It's like this is just the first baby steps to like a whole new lifestyle of me being a still stay at home mother with [00:07:00] five children and.

A working single mom. I mean, working, going to school, you know, like going to school is a job,

kind of, it's, it's not even kind of that is. So with this, I think what I'm hearing is we're almost gonna be doing fall prep now. Yeah. We're, we're, we're getting into certain routines. Personally. Yeah. And as a family, that will set us up to adjust better to that and also to this new phase of our lives together to leave survival times behind and to move into stability times.

Amy: Yeah. Okay. 100%. And I, and survival

to stability, there's a title. Yeah. And

Amy: I, and I know that like I am a huge hurdle of that, of my own, I wanna blame my kids for all of it and be like, oh my gosh, they're so unorganized and they just can't function. I'm like, no, really, I am the problem. And I'm finally really realizing and willing to recognize that I have not modeled good habits mm-hmm.

For that [00:08:00] either. If it, I feel like if the home is gonna be successful, like I really have to focus on mm-hmm. Like I have to be successful and that feels scary.

Well, I'm glad you're going there because my gut is kind of going that same direction that I think as necessary as it will be to do the whole family kind of routines and systems.

It seems like you need to do something for yourself first as you work towards the other prep. Yeah, for the fall as a family.

Amy: Yeah. I had a friend say that, you have to model excellence. And I'm like, but I don't know how

well let's, you know, excellence is a pretty weighty word.

Maybe we can say stab like proficiency. Consistency in the way that, you know, I teach it.

Amy: Yeah. And I know that's really lofty, if we were to cut that down, it's like I have to be the example. Hmm. And I don't feel like that was modeled well for me.

And so I'm like, okay, will you show me? Like I, I was like, would you do that? [00:09:00] Because I feel like I've always put everyone else first. And , I get ready last, when we were at the retreat, , with the SAM program, you were like, we were talking about like baseline habits and you were like, well, what's a baseline habit?

Because I'm like, I wanna wake up and get dressed and do all these things. Right. And you're like, what's the baseline? I'm like, brush my hair.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Amy: I don't know, like that for me, like basic, basic things seem really complicated.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Amy: But I think I'm trying to overcomplicate things often.

Well, and I don't think it's just a you problem to be fair, because that's how often we translate the ways we've been taught to do this in the past where it is complicated.

So it's just simple, do this and start tomorrow where, you know, as you learned, it's like a 12 point routine. Um, it's not simple, but we're gonna break that down. And I also wanna tell you. I do want to get some clarity on, as a family, what you're like, okay. Here are some routines and systems I do know we need to figure out and not so like we figure them all out, but just so you have [00:10:00] them written down, like, we need a morning routine, we need like a meal prep routine or a meal plan routine or like something like that.

So we'll just at least have a blueprint

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Of things You're gonna start checking off with time, but let's start with you.

Amy: Okay.

And I want you to do a little bit of forecasting here,

Amy: okay?

And I want you to imagine it's now fall.

Amy: Okay.

Your kids are back in school. You are starting school full-time.

Amy: Mm-hmm.

And there's a big adjustment there. How do you want to feel during that time?

Amy: I want to feel calm and present I want to feel ready. I just wanna feel like prepared for the day. Okay.

Okay. So we're gonna go two directions to kind of flesh out mm-hmm. What we're gonna go with. Okay. What actual habits slash routine we're gonna work on. First, I want you to brainstorm what possible habits and or routines would make you feel calm, present, and [00:11:00] prepared for the day.

Amy: I think definitely like getting a good night's sleep and waking up rested, um, like getting up before my kids.

And I'm sorry, this probably is just gonna be like a word vomit, but like, you gotta help, like, you're gonna help me like dissect. I will. Yeah. Because vomit. I think my status is like way up here. Like what I want is like way up here and like I'm way down here right now and I gotta like work my way up, you know?

But just like, I wanna be awake, I wanna just like have, you know, time to have meditated and prayed or just like center myself before, the day begins, before you have to like start checking the boxes. A routine for me. Whether that's reading, praying, meditating, yoga, like, whatever it is, just to kind of help me just be centered.

And I obviously wanna be dressed and like ready to walk out the door. Yeah. Okay.

No, this is good. We actually do start with the end vision in mind. Okay. Like the full package of what you want. I just

Amy: wanna be like, a lot of times, I've [00:12:00] recognized that I have like a distortion of optimism, like I think I can get ready way faster than reality.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Amy: I like wait, like I'll do everything first and then I'll put me last. I've noticed this is a habit as I've like been observing, like, why is this not working? It's like, because I'm getting ready last, I make sure everyone else is ready, breakfast is made, everything's ready, and then my kids are like, okay, let's go.

And I'm thinking, oh, it's just gonna take me three minutes to get ready and it takes me 10 or 15 minutes to get ready and then we're late. And that's how I've done it. My whole life is, everyone else is ready and then I'm last and that's a huge problem. Anyways. It feels really hard fixing that.

It's symbolic, isn't it?

Yeah. And you said that a few times. I'm last. I'm last.

Amy: Yeah. Okay. And so I've realized that , that has been my past and I've done a lot of, you know, coaching and, and therapy and and stuff and thought work around that, and I'm ready for that to shift. [00:13:00] But even.

This sounds silly and I'm gonna get a little bit emotional, but like we talked a little bit about baseline habit and just even me waking up in the morning, and I know we talked about, I was like, okay, I'm gonna wake up in the morning, I'm gonna get dressed, I'm gonna work exercising, I'm gonna do all these things.

And you're like, baseline. And I'm like, get dressed. And then I was like, no, no, no. Even baseline before that is just brushing my hair. Mm-hmm. And that I have been doing that for a couple of weeks. Mm-hmm. And that has been really uncomfortably awesome. Oh really? Yeah. Like why? Almost like, because , and I know that and I recognize that, but like, not just knowing it, but like living it out.

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Amy: Has been, I didn't think it would be so crazy that brushing my hair is like the greatest act of love to myself I'm gonna brush my hair because I matter too. , That sounds so silly, but it's so real.

Well, I think like you, Amy, the old me would've thought that [00:14:00] sounds. Different or silly, but the real me now. Yeah. And the present. You now like we know that it's not only symbolic. Yeah. It's also practically helpful too, to be in that habit, right? Yeah. Of taking care of you. Yeah, even that simple way is not simple.

It's not,

Amy: it's not. And that, that feels so hard. And I didn't think, you know, in my head I'm thinking, oh, I wanna do all these wonderful things way up here, but it starts with brushing my hair and that I don't even know, like internally it's really hard to describe like what that has done for me. I mean, I think I kind of said that, but just like maybe a little bit.

But it's given me the momentum to be like, okay, I can do my makeup now.

This is what we didn't get to get into as much with the workshop that I taught at that retreat, is that these baselines have power in and of themselves, which you just exemplified for us. Even that simple [00:15:00] baseline of brushing your hair had practical, helpful benefits, but deeper ones, but also it creates momentum.

Yeah. And a momentum wave is something we can catch and ride. So we can do a little more or a lot more so, but like even just, if

Amy: I just, even if I just brush my hair, it's okay if I don't get my makeup done. Yes. It's my hair's done. Yes.

Okay. You know? Mm-hmm. That's why I think it's so, you have already a great baseline and now you've, you've also been able to prove your old self wrong.

That self that's like, but that's nothing, or that's not the whole thing I want. Um. So I think what we're getting at here is when you're, you're already practicing. This was just great, but we gotta get clarity on how to maybe build on that.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah. 'cause there's this internal resistance in me and I'm a brainstormer.

I think that's one of my superpowers. Like I have really good ideas, I have really good direction, I have clear vision of where I wanna go. But making it happen, I still think that there's, even though like I am brushing my hair and doing some things, things [00:16:00] like that, there's something internally still that's just like really stuck that's just like, yeah, I don't really wanna do that.

Like, I avoid it. Mm-hmm. There's something in in me that's still like pushing it away, I don't really wanna get ready. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Maybe 'cause it feels like another responsibility. Yeah, I think there's some attached stress to it. Because of your past experiences of getting ready and it always being stressful.

Amy: Yeah, I think so, probably. And I just feel like if I wanna be calm and present and ready for the day, like I know that getting dressed is like super crucial to that, but there's this internal resistance. It just is like, yeah, we don't, we don't really, we don't really wanna do that.

Okay. So this is actually really, really helpful.

So even though we started with a bit of a longer list of the ideal vision you're working towards, which are not just, it's many routines. It's not just one thing, it's many routines. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. Okay. Which is good. We know bigger picture, what you're gonna be working towards throughout the summer, but also into the fall.

That's actually [00:17:00] realistically what's gonna happen as you're working towards the ideal. But I think we're narrowing in on getting ready is the thing. Okay. Because out of all of these things, getting ready is what will help you most consistently feel calm and present and prepared for the day.

The other things will help too. Mm-hmm. But that one matters. Internally, I know that that is so true to me. Yeah, and it's like hitting me with so much resistance at the same time. Like all of my inner parts just wanna fight against that so hard right now.

So that's actually what's next for us. We're gonna talk through the obstacles. What is getting in the way of you prioritizing or having the time to get ready? And we've already written a couple down. You have the internal resistance, you do everything else first. So all your other responsibilities are like urgent it sounds like.

Um. What else?

Amy: Well, and maybe they're urgent or maybe, you know, I, I realize that sometimes I'm a little bit avoidant in like, wanting to actually just do the thing [00:18:00] and so like I'll find other ways to make myself busy.

Yeah.

Amy: Okay. Like I don't have to go change my load of laundry over and the dishwasher doesn't need unloaded, but I'll go do them over getting ready for the day.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Why is that? Why is that avoidant to you? In terms of, what I'm trying to say is, I think you're right. I think you're queuing into it being an avoidant behavior, but what I wanted to understand is what you're avoiding.

Amy: I don't, I don't know. Um, and maybe that's silly that I don't know. It's not like I think, but let's also

stick with it.

Amy: Perfect. I think also for some reason it just doesn't feel right. Me to be like, well, you know what? It actually feels selfish. Oh yeah. That's honestly would've

been my guess.

Amy: It feels selfish and that's cry to say that out loud. It feels selfish to wake up and get ready and feel beautiful undressed for the day.

Instead of caring for my [00:19:00] family,

Uhhuh. Well, I pressured you on that because it seems like all the other tasks you are doing are not fun ones.

Monica Packer: No, it's not. Like not the

responsibility driven, which is not bad either. Yeah. But in many ways what you've learned about yourself and what point you were at in your life is recognizing that you matter too.

Amy: Yeah. And I think that's why brushing my hair was such a big deal.

I did too. Okay. Let's lean into the avoidance though a little bit more. Let's see if there's anything else there. It doesn't feel right. I feel selfish.

Amy: The thing that's just coming to mind is , I want my family to be successful. So I feel like if I can do things like unloading the dishwasher or you , taking care of the home, I think in my mind that if I can set that up, that my kids can get up, get ready on their own, start eating breakfast, and then I can like go back and then get ready while they're getting ready or eating breakfast.

But that's never worked. I keep telling myself that [00:20:00] that's gonna work, and I keep doing that over and over thinking it's gonna work. What happens when you try that? Um, well, I just am needed more, like I just feel like, you know, I need to be present with my kids. Like I can't just feed them and walk away, somehow it just creates more chaos or Yeah.

Okay. I feed them and then I'm like, oh, I need to clean up breakfast now. Yeah. You kind of get, I. Your own momentum wave. Like I get sucked in and then all of a sudden, oh, and that needs done too. And that needs done too. Oh, oh. And do you have your backpack and Oh, you don't have your clothes, so let me go put your clothes in the laundry.

It's like give a mess, a cookie. Yes. Really home responsibility wise is it is such. And then I go, oh, I was supposed to be getting ready and 30 minutes has gone by. . And I think that's where somewhere of that positive optimism, like I think, oh, I can just hurry and get this done really quick and then I can hurry and get this ready.

And we're still late. Or not even late, but just like even if we have nowhere to go, it's

stressful.

Amy: It's the rush. It feels stressful. It just feels stressful. It does not. It's the opposite of the [00:21:00] calm present that I want. So the

avoidant behavior, at first glance, it just looked like you were just getting things done.

But more deeply it's reflecting the fears you have of being selfish. It also reflects this paradigm inside of you. It's an either or or paradigm. Either I care for everybody else or I care for myself and nobody else gets taken care of. That's an either or paradigm in your head. Yeah, and I think, you know, logically that's not true.

It's not an either or. It's an and it's a both. Yeah. But what has to happen, and this is something you already identified in yourself, believing it is really good and really important. Yeah. But acting it out is now what you're ready for.

Amy: Right. To challenge, challenge

it.

Amy: The doing part. Yeah.

To challenge these deeper.

Paradigms, you're ready to let go of fears, meanings. You're like, no, it's not. It's [00:22:00] not selfish. I do matter, even in brushing my hair.

Amy: Yeah.

I'm showing myself I do matter.

Amy: Yeah. And one phrase that is really stuck out with me and I, it came from Rachel Nielsen's podcast or maybe through the SAM program is she said.

I don't remember where, but she just said, I'm a person too. And I've been saying that to my kids. Like my kids will be like, Hey mom, can you get up from your dinner and get me a glass of water or a fork or a spoon? And I just say, I'm sitting down and eating my dinner because I'm a person too. And you can get up 'cause you have two legs and you're 14 and you can be drove at work, you know?

But like, yeah, I just, they're, they're also used to a mom that. Got up and got them, you know? And I ended up standing up at the counter and just eating my dinner. Yeah. You know what I mean? I never sat down. And so they're used to that mom too. And so I'm like, oh, I'm a person too. And my kids were like, what?

Yeah, you are a person too. , So it seems like this is [00:23:00] a shift, not only you're ready to make, but your family, because there are seasons of course. Like you can't say to a toddler, or a young child. No, just give yourself your own bath and put yourself to bed. 'cause I'm tired. Right.

But you're at a different stage

Amy: and you're, yeah, and I still have littles at home that are very demanding in that way. But I have older kids too, who can say, I can say, yeah, you know what? I'm a person too. Like I get Yes.

Well, so what I'm trying to emphasize here is that either or a paradigm, it serves a, a purpose in certain seasons of motherhood.

Right. Yeah. Because it is the facts, it's the circumstances.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

But as time goes on and as our lives evolve too, and maybe our support changes mm-hmm. We are able to make it more of an and and a both, um, paradigm instead. And that's what we're shifting you towards. So here's what I'm thinking. I, we can own that circumstantially.

The other scenario of [00:24:00] maybe like getting them set up, which sounded really good, like I would totally say with another, like maybe the first time we'd ever coached on this. Maybe if, if, if you hadn't already tried this yet, I would say why not? You know, set them up and then try getting ready and then coming back to the home.

But it sounds like that's not working. So we know circumstantially that doesn't work. We also know circumstantially, you waiting till the end isn't working.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

So we know logically it does need to happen first.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So let's figure out what this can look like starting tomorrow.

Yeah. What can it look like for you to get ready first before you head into your day? The other things can come with time. Like maybe eventually you do, you get up and you do a yoga routine, right? It's not gonna get ready first, but you're gonna get ready right after yoga because maybe now you're also working on your sleep.

So you can get up a little bit earlier 'cause you go to bed a little earlier. So there's, there is gonna be a good, give a mouse of cookie that way too.

Monica Packer: [00:25:00] Yeah.

But in this moment, how can we know? I'm going to, and this is all symbolic too, I'm going to prioritize myself at the beginning of the day.

Monica Packer: So

that I can show up for everything else.

Mm-hmm. What's to follow, whether that turns into meditation and yoga and reading and showering and like a full, getting ready and going to bed earlier too. But for now, what can that look like?

Amy: Um, the, I think one part of that, the first thing that comes to my mind is like, I should set out what I'm gonna wear the night before because I get, maybe this sounds silly, I get like decision overwhelm.

That doesn't sound silly of like all the clothes in my closet like I have, and I'm, I'm gonna just brag on myself for just a minute. I have some really cute clothes that I really, really love, and I'm like, do I wanna wear that shirt that I love or that shirt that I love? I'm like, I don't really know. I really love all the clothes in my closet.

it's like a Cheesecake Factory menu. Like there's just too many good things. Yeah. And, and I get overwhelmed, deciding what. I wanna wear her.

So I think you can do [00:26:00] two habits at once for this. , I think you can say the night before I choose what I'm going to wear, like when I brush my teeth, then I choose what I'm going to wear for the next day.

Monica Packer: Yeah,

that's habit stacking is what we did there. I'm imagining you brush your teeth or do something with your base every night, so that's when you can look through your closet while you're brushing and pull out a shirt even.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Could be your baseline or maybe your pants girl. Like if you go, I always go for shirts first.

I know other people go for pants first, so maybe you just go with whatever you go with first. Yeah, and that's, you know. Okay, so that's the night habit. Yeah, the morning habit for now again. Mm-hmm. The ideals will come with time, but for now it sounds like you wake up. Paint the picture, what would it look like for you?

Amy: Usually first, usually I usually, usually I wake up and I go straight to the bathroom and you know, just, you know, and then I go back to my room and I'll make my bed. Um, because I, because I just moved, I have the most pretty throw pillows on my bed and they're so pretty and so I love seeing them all [00:27:00] decorated.

And so right now I'm on the pretty home decoration train and, um, so it just looks pretty for me to make my bed right away.

Would that be a good place for you to then attach, getting dressed and brushing your hair and getting ready?

Amy: Yeah.

Could you have your clothes set out next to your bed?

Amy: I, yeah, I could do that

to just, this is called lowering the hurdles.

Yeah. I feel like I need like a little bit easier.

Amy: Yeah. I think I could set out my clothes on the end of my bed and have them there for when I make my bed, and then it would actually make my bed look pretty if I put my clothes on.

Yes. That's great. Okay. I love this. Okay, so we're gonna say, I. When I'm done making my bed, then I'll get dressed.

Yeah. And as part of that, we also know you can brush your hair, right? If it's a day where all you do is brush your hair, brush your teeth, and that's still, you're getting ready, that's it,

Amy: right?

Then that's getting ready. But maybe more ideally, what would you want that to entail getting ready?

Amy: Okay. On an [00:28:00] ideal day, just like getting up, gonna the bathroom, making my bed, getting dressed, doing my hair and makeup.

Great. Okay. And the baseline version now sounds like getting dressed and brushing your hair. Yeah. Okay. So now we're ready to build on your baseline is what we're doing. Okay. That's the other thing we didn't really get to get into too much in the workshop. Your baselines build. Yeah. So what you, your old baselines are allowed to grow too.

Mm-hmm. So what you can do on your worst of day will be a little bigger in a couple months. Then a lot bigger. Yeah. In a year or two than even your initial baseline. Yeah. Well, and you know, and this might be sound silly, but like, I always like some, I really actually hate getting wet. And so taking a shower for me is like a choice.

Yeah. Like, and I know it's a good choice because, you know, but like I have to plan when I shower because I just am like, I don't like getting wet. I don't like getting my hair wet. And so what does that tend to be [00:29:00] best for you then?

Amy: Sometimes I'll shower at night. Yeah. Um, or sometimes I shower. Like, I mean, but, you know, and so, so, and this maybe sounds silly, but like, because I have this idea that I wanna work out, I won't shower because I think I might work out.

Yeah. And so I'm

Amy: not showering to, and then I'll be like, well then I would regularly actually need a shower. So that actually is delayed. So. I think I'm thinking too big scale, like I think, well, I don't wanna shower and then get sweaty in the shower again. So like,

Monica Packer: yeah.

Amy: I try to think how many less, like I don't wanna shower, get ready, then workout later in the day and shower twice in a day.

That sounds horrible to me.

No,

Amy: I

think that's honestly not just. For you. I think that's how most people work that way. I don't wanna shower twice a day for sure. I know some people do that. I'm like, how do you guys do that? But no. So I think, okay, so this is where we're working with where we're at.

Amy: And so I think that's been a big hangup for me because I think, oh, well, I'm going to do these big habits, right? I'm gonna work out, I'm gonna be ready and I'm gonna do all that, and then I'm gonna shower and get dressed and get [00:30:00] ready, but I'm not. And so I cut off. I mean, that's probably, if we backed up, I think that's probably another reason why I'm not getting ready.

I do too. Okay. So this is where we're going to challenge these old paradigms. Again, like we did the internal ones about either or, but also these paradigms of I. Have to shower and I can't shower until I work out and I can't work out until I get up earlier. And then so instead we're gonna reverse that.

We're gonna start where we are. Yeah. Which is both symbolic, meaning deep and practical, and prioritizing the habit that will help the most. And making these feelings happen of being calm, present, and prepared. Yeah. We're going to prioritize getting ready now. Right. And the other things will come with time.

And when you're ready to work on those other things, and it sounds like you're gonna actually have to work on your nighttime routine.

Amy: Yeah.

Getting to bed earlier. Yeah. So you can wake up earlier and then start exercising. Okay. So we kind of have a bigger picture now though, [00:31:00] of where you're headed.

Amy: . I think I have a pretty good bedtime routine for me. Awesome. Um, and I, and I, I, I don't wanna throw my kids under the bus, but I feel like my kids never wanna go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so that's been, I'm also trying to give myself a lot of grace that we just moved, but I used to have the habit of being in bed by nine, 10 o'clock.

Wow, that's amazing. And getting up around, you know, around six and doing stuff, but even then I was still putting off getting ready. Okay. And so I think that's been a, a bad thing. But anyways, once we get settled back, and I think I can slip back into that habit. I do too.

And whenever we have an adjustment like this, like something that really is almost like, you know, the, the penny on the.

The, the, the train tracks where just like throws everything off for a bit. Just imagine that train just doing a big arc and everything kinda getting thrown around in there, but it's gonna land back on the tracks. Yeah. You're gonna be able to get back into that and that's when we can build, [00:32:00] that's when we can build backwards and maybe starting with a little yoga or stretching or like a seven minute workout as their baseline.

Amy: Right. Something

really. And then moving into shower and then getting ready.

Amy: Yeah, but I see what you mean by like, I need to get just getting ready because that's been my biggest hurdle is getting ready regardless, like, and like, you know, regardless. Yeah. I was getting up earlier and I was doing things and I would still wait till 10 o'clock in the morning or one in the afternoon to get ready, like,

and it just doesn't, it makes those feelings.

Opposite feelings of what you want, so, okay. We know where you're starting. We know where you're now headed to yourself. Let's talk about two things a little bit more quickly than I would normally like, but the first is the resistance piece.

Monica Packer: Yeah,

because I wanna honor that.

That's a genuine obstacle to getting ready. I think we have to big picture. Add some. No wonder to this, like no wonder why you resist getting ready because in the past it's always been stressful.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Okay. It's had [00:33:00] deeper meaning too about a story you were telling yourself.

Monica Packer: Yeah. About

what it meant about you as a mom.

Mm-hmm. That maybe you were selfish. Okay. The only way we can challenge those things is in the doing, and this is where I want you to just do the baseline for a couple days to maybe a week or two.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

So we can lower the hurdle, the resistance hurdle, by just making it so, so simple right now. Yeah. Not gonna be worrying about makeup or even doing the hair.

It's just getting ready and brushing. Mm-hmm. That's it. Just do the baseline so you can train your brain. This isn't scary.

Amy: Mm-hmm.

That's okay. See, look, I have still plenty of time or enough time

Amy: mm-hmm.

To do the other things. Now I matter. I'm a person too. Okay, let's train that. Another thing you can do about the resistance is you can add more, feel good feelings to what you're doing.

Mm-hmm. So [00:34:00] maybe you play a podcast while you get ready that you love, like for me, it'd be like a pop culture podcast that I save for certain things that I like to resist.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Okay. Or some music that starts your day off. Right. Or a candle, or. You know, there's other ways to, to add in that kind of feel good feeling.

Mm-hmm. Even if it's just like the night before I choose something I know I'm gonna love to wear.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

So even your brain's like, Ooh, I do want that.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Okay. So those are some ways we can move through the resistance. Yeah. As one is challenging it, but in a gentle way.

Amy: Yeah.

And adding more fun, pleasure kind of to it.

Amy: Yeah, I love that.

Okay. And the other big thing I wanna make sure we hit on to is the family systems. We know what you are gonna gradually work up to, which sounds like a more full, like a fuller morning routine. What are some things you wanna make sure you're aware of and working towards as a family with time?

Amy: I think I want like my kids to do the same. [00:35:00] Like I want my kids to be up ready beds made ready to go out the door like. You know, ready, just ready to go. And I, you know, it's interesting and I, you know, the epiphany is just hitting me right now that my kids wait to getting ready till the last minute.

Also because I've modeled that, like, it just hit me right now that like, I'll be like, why are you not dressed? Got it. We're leaving. Okay.

So dressed first. And you, this is something I've had to do, Amy, with my A DHD kiddos. I have quite a few in my family . Um. They're not even allowed to sit down.

This sounds mean, but I don't say it mean they're, if they come up from the basement where their rooms are and they're in their pajamas, they're sitting back down to get dressed first. They're only allowed to be upstairs if they are dressed.

Amy: Yeah.

Because of that same problem.

Amy: And I think, and I like, I'm literally just realizing right now, maybe that sounds so silly that I'm just having this awareness right now, but .

My kids are doing what I'm doing. Yeah. Well, and,

and you know, I think most kids are just ready to eat. They're just like, [00:36:00] let's, right. Let, let me go and eat. So maybe that's just the first thing you know, you need to work on then.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Before breakfast, everyone, before you come out of your room Yeah.

Dressed maybe with time it can be bed made dressed and then you're allowed to sit down and have breakfast.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

And then you can enforce that first. Okay. So getting ready actually is a big one for you. Are there other ones that you just wanna have on the horizon for you that you're gonna work towards that will make things

Amy: easier?

Yeah, I I think getting ready for the day is just gonna be super huge. Um, because we all have different, like, I've got, you know, I, I imagine, you know, parents that do this too, like have to work at a certain time. , We can't be late out the door. , I have class, I have to drop my kid off at daycare.

, We can't be late. Like, yeah. And so that has actually been causing me a ton of stress, being like, I am the lightest person in the world and now we can't be late. We actually have a deadlines that matter, you know? Um, and so that's causing me stress. But, um. Coming home from school and just like not letting the afterschool routine, just not [00:37:00] letting everything just kind of go to crap.

I know that, like in my head, I know that successful next day starts with a successful night before. I know that, but implementing that I think is gonna be huge, um, to having like an a nice bedtime routine. So that we can set up to do this all over again the next day. Sure. Okay.

So those are things on the horizon.

Yeah. For you to have that curiosity about and to explore, and I would encourage you to do it in the way we just did, to think about the feelings first. Mm-hmm. Then to kind of brainstorm some possible. Habits and our routines. Mm-hmm. Or what even a possible routine could look like.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Because you can do that too, if you're like, oh, I know for sure we need to work on a bedtime routine.

Well, what would an ideal bedtime routine look like to help you feel the feelings you want to at bedtime? Mm-hmm. And then to think through the obstacles and then to work with them instead of against them to design.

Amy: Yeah.

The ideal version of what you want it to be, but how you're going to start.

Amy: Yeah. And you know, and [00:38:00] that's just like baseline stuff, you know?

I think, yeah. You know, sometimes that I'm super mom and I'm like, and I wanna have all the lunches made and I wanna have all these amazing meal preps. And it's just like, but I can't even get dressed in the morning. And not that I'm not necessarily not successful there, other things, but I think sometimes I, you know, just the daily routines of life and weeks and all the things you have to take care of as a mom, and then being a single mom and all of that.

Mm-hmm. Like, I'm doing this all by myself. And so it's like. I think that the structure and the routines is gonna be what helps sustain us, but also it's been the Achilles heel. So I'll

give you one more bit of wisdom then before we go. Yeah. Because a temptation is to feel like your whole day has to be system routine, habit driven, like minute by minute.

There's one, and really I want you to think of it more as touchpoints. Mm-hmm. There's just different touch points of the day that are more structured that there's systems and routines in [00:39:00] place because they provide the stability that you need to have, the flexibility your family demands. Right. Okay. And that's what I want you to be thinking of.

The target here is to not be a perfect robot. The target is to be a thriving. Fulfilled and stable household.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Okay. So it's more about touchpoint so that you can have an actual life.

Amy: Yes. I like we need a lot of flexibility. Yeah. Yeah. And I love, I love touchpoints just Okay. That feels so simple.

Yeah. My brain wants to overcomplicate it. And I think that's the most complicated part of it, is like simplifying it.

Mm-hmm. And this is where also you get to choose. Yeah. So of all the things which is the, either the easiest way to start, you can go with the easiest way, like what's the easiest.

System we can work on as a family or routine or what is the most important? It doesn't always [00:40:00] have to be the most important. It doesn't always have to be the easiest, but you can choose. Um, because as you are doing this, you're not only rewiring the way your family is functioning in you too, you are rewiring the way you see yourself.

And that's where we're gonna go back to why that hair brushing moment matters. Mm-hmm. Because it's not just about brushing your hair. It's about showing yourself that you matter and it's gonna be the same with everything else. Okay. Yeah. So remember that's the big picture. It's not about being a robot.

Yeah. It's about being fulfilled. And that can happen over time. And with these small things that, that do matter.

Amy: As you say that, I believe it, , I feel like those words I'm just soaking 'em in like a sponge, and I believe, and I wanna prove what you're saying is right to myself, that these will build and it maybe seems really small to just be brushing my hair, but these are going to build and I can get there.

, It sounds and feels so much more attainable and to go off of touch points and basic, basic, basic stuff. Mm-hmm. [00:41:00] And if I don't do anything else on my worst day, at least I brushed my hair.

There you go. And that's still your original baseline no matter what. You can always come back to that.

Yeah. Even though we're talking about building your baseline up a bit, you can still at the end of the worst of days, go back to that. 'cause it will always

there for you. Yeah. Okay. Amy, this has been so applicable. To all of us, me included. What do you want to make sure you take away from this call?

Amy: I think the biggest thing that I wanna take away from this is just. Really believing and acting out that belief that I'm a person and I matter too, I think that belief will be the baseline for all the things that I choose to do.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Amy: That's huge.

You're not alone in feeling like you want all the things, but maybe you just don't have the experience of having them.

But just remember, you didn't fail the methods you followed failed you. Mm-hmm. You're doing things differently now. Things will change. You can change. [00:42:00] It will get better. You're just doing things differently now and I have every hope in you and I really want you to reach out to me and give me updates on how things are going.

Yeah, I'd love to hear from you and good luck you got this.

Amy: Thank you. Thank you so much. That means just the world. It's been such a pleasure talking with you, and I just, I feel so good about what we talked about today.

Thank you.

Amy: Okay. You did it. You're done.

Great job. /

Monica Packer: I hope this episode gave you the hug and kick at the pants you need to grow. I'll now share those progress pointers. These are the notes I take so you don't have to, and those in my newsletter, get them in a graphic form each week. What I share here is a simplified version.

The graphic form is a little bit more detailed. When life changes require you to change, number one, start with something small but consistent. Number two, build routines about how you want to feel. Number three, you don't need to do it all at once. Number four, you are allowed to matter too.

And number five, resistance is part [00:43:00] of the process. Speaking with Amy really was a gift when she talked about how meaningful that brand new habit of brushing her hair had already been for her. I mean, I truly got chills, and I'm gonna remember that for a very, very long time. To me it speaks to the power of putting ourselves on the list in very small ways, and I would invite you to do that with the More For Moms Conference. That is coming up very soon. Right now, our community is the only one who has access to sign up. It's free.

This is a five day conference with five speakers a day that will help moms find more in their. Happiness, habits, health, home, and Hobbies. You can sign up at about progress.com/more for moms. This podcast is listener supported. Members of the Supporters Club make my work with About Progress free and available to all.

And in return, they get access to three levels of exclusive benefits from more time to more content with me, including my private premium, always AF [00:44:00] free podcast. More personal where I lean into the personal side of personal development. This month we've been exploring MLMs, my podcast manager Taylor, and I did a casual convo on it, and I'm doing a deep dive on it as well.

You can sign up for the Supporters Club by going to about progress.com/support, and you can always support the show for free. One of the things you can do right now is just share the show with a friend. That is so helpful. Thank you so much for listening. Now go and do something with what you learned today.

Let me write a couple notes really quick. This is where you're gonna hear, I cut out all the airtime here of me just scratching down a few things,

Thanks.

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