No Longer Last: A Back-to-School Reset for Moms || with Mia Hemstad

Ever feel like you're always last on your own to-do list? With the start of a new school year, it’s the perfect chance for us moms to shift that narrative. In a conversation with Mia Hemstad, we delved into the vital role of self-care in reclaiming our time and energy.

Mia's "four B's" framework encourages us to thoughtfully prioritize our needs, whether that means indulging in a favorite show or finally scheduling that doctor’s appointment. By investing in ourselves, not only do we enhance our own well-being, but we also enrich our ability to support those around us. Let’s start this school year by putting ourselves at the top of our priority list.

Past Episode with Mia Hemstad: ⁠https://www.aboutprogress.com/blog/self-care-to-support-yourself-when-you-dont-feel-like-yourself⁠ 

The 4B Self-Care Framework Guide: https://www.miahemstad.com/guide

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TRANSCRIPT

 

​[00:00:00] 

Monica Packer: Mia Hemstad , a big welcome back to About progress. It's so good to have you.

Mia Hemstad: I am so excited to be here. It's been three years since I've been on your podcast

Monica Packer: That's hard to believe.

Mia Hemstad: be back. I know, but it's so clear for me because I had just moved to Portugal and that was three years ago, and I was like, sure, I'll do a podcast interview when my life is like up in the air and I'm like adjusting to an international move.

But it was like such a good conversation. So I'm excited to be back.

Monica Packer: Well, I echo you with the, it was such a good conversation because that is one of the most listened episodes and re-listened to episodes. One I hear about all the time. I've re-aired it multiple times.

Mia Hemstad: That's

Monica Packer: So we're kind of doing a continuation of sorts with it. Uh, last time we talked about self-care, but you broke it down in a way that I thought was so both practical, but different than we've ever heard before. So I'm gonna reference that and have them go back to listen to it. But our lens today is. The start of the school [00:01:00] year and the shifts it brings to a household, but also

the opportunity it is for moms to both have a reset and to recenter back to themselves to care for themselves in ways that they've been neglecting. And yet we also have these patterns of neglect that we've fallen into that can be really hard to break at the beginning of a school year too. So this is where I want to ask you why you think.

It is such a great opportunity for moms to learn to reprioritize themselves right here, right now.

Mia Hemstad: I love that question and I'm heading into back to school very soon, so I've been thinking about it as well because now the schedule's gonna change and while that can feel very overwhelming, and I know that with Back to School comes more tasks and responsibilities,

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: like the kids go off and we have nothing to do all day.

We all, we all know that, but there are, there is a little bit more breathing room. most of us, and I wanna encourage all of your listeners to not quickly fill in [00:02:00] moment you get with everything else that needs to get done. You know, we all

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: house tasks and the projects that we put on the back burner for summer.

We're like, I'm gonna tackle that now that my kids are in school. Okay, but what about you? What have

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: on the shelf during the summer trying to give your kids the best summer ever? And how can you make sure that that's actually at the top of your to-do list? 'cause I promise you. Even though it feels like you're continuing to avoid those big house projects or whatever is on your mind, when you put yourself first, you're actually gonna give yourself the energy you need to tackle those other things they will get done, but they'll get done a lot more joyfully and with energy if you put yourself first.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. I think we, um, you know, I experienced this the first day of school last week for most of my kids. I felt so exhausted when they finally were off to school, and I had to take a nap that day. And I'm not a napper because then I can't sleep at night. I wish I were a napper, but I was so depleted, I think from the summer [00:03:00] that I, I didn't realize it until they were all.

Three of the five were back at school that I was like, whoa,

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: I'm feeling it. So to take that moment to say, what about you? Like this is an opportunity to not fill in all the gaps, but to take just a moment

Mia Hemstad: Mm.

Monica Packer: to have that exhale.

Mia Hemstad: And I love that you brought

Monica Packer: I.

Mia Hemstad: the fact that you are so exhausted because I think, we think because the kids are out of the house, that we should like have all this energy to do all of the things and we, I think as moms are notoriously bad at giving ourselves space to recover. We don't really do transitions well.

We like jump to the next thing and I don't blame us, there's so much to do, but. Any sort of transition, even an exciting one, like your kids going to school and getting more time for yourself takes energy. Most of motherhood, the tasks that we do day in, day out, I wouldn't describe them as energy giving. I wouldn't describe them as replenishing activities.

Fulfilling, yes. Beautiful. Yes. [00:04:00] But a lot of the things that you're doing day in and day out as a mom are actually taking your energy. And we have to actually acknowledge that. And especially in that beginning phase of back to school, you probably have bought new shoes for all of your kids. You're looking at the shoe sizes, you're returning things to the store that didn't fit just right for your kid.

That like, you know. Has to have the shoes feeling just right. You had to get new socks, maybe some uniforms, new clothes. You're signing kids up for extracurriculars. You're filling out those paperwork. That's a lot of mental load, and I think sometimes we just think we should just handle it rather than thinking. I just did a lot more like there was more of a cognitive load as we ended summer and ramped up into back to school. And I'm gonna need a few days to collect myself, to recharge, to replenish. It's okay. And if we allow ourselves. To have the buffer that our brain and body are asking us for, we're gonna be able to actually transition into the school year with a lot more energy, a lot more calm,

Monica Packer: Hm.

Mia Hemstad: more emotional availability, you know, [00:05:00] less irritability and snapping at our kids in the evening.

And we don't know why. We know why. You're tired.

Monica Packer: Yeah. Yeah. And more than just physically too. I think it, that's what really, um, hit me is like, I think this is a, a, an all encompassing, many layered kind of exhaustion and it, it made me think, a lot of us look forward to the, to the school year because of routine and our kids, you know, getting into that, back into that routine and being able to have a little bit more of that breathing room, and yet we get surprised by a couple things.

The mental load of going back to school. The physical tasks that need to be done and the busyness there. Um, the, the exhaustion you may hit like you finally hit the wall 'cause you have a second to hit the wall. But I also wanted to talk about the pattern of self neglect that we can fall into. Um, because I wanna kind of flesh out what surprises me in store with the school year that you're like, yay, I get to do all the things.

I get to take care of me. And then you're like, whoa, I'm getting swept back into [00:06:00] all this other stuff that I didn't even expect. So can you. Kind of paint the picture for them on what those patterns can look like and how it's so easy to one fall into them, and two, to stay there even if you technically have a little bit more space.

Mia Hemstad: Yeah, absolutely. So moms have a superpower we can walk to into any room, and I mean, heck, we wake up in the morning and we know what needs to get done. We are very externally focused. It's a gift.

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: we could walk into any room and we know

Monica Packer: I.

Mia Hemstad: and who's need, who needs what. But the, the downside of that gift is that we aren't naturally looking inward at ourselves

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: and sometimes. Let's be honest. A lot of self-care that we truly need is very uncomfortable self-care. It's admitting to ourselves that we've been unhappy. It's admitting to ourselves we've been lonely. It's admitting to ourselves that maybe we're not being as active as we wish we were, or as connected to our friends or [00:07:00] family as we wish we were.

It's a lot of stuff that isn't as easy as clearing out the, the garage and organizing your kids' clothes and decluttering that closet, right? And so I think that not only are we externally focused, but. The self-care that we really need feel overwhelming and scary and big, and it's usually stuff that we need help with.

And so it's just easier for us to focus on the grocery shopping and the cleaning out of the fridge and all that kind of stuff. That's a little bit cleaner neater and tidier, and has more of an external reward. But I think what I wanna encourage moms to do. Is to know that eventually those internal needs that you have, whether it's to set boundaries with the found family member, or finally start through a therapy journey or to finally admit to yourself you haven't been okay, and maybe you should look into getting on medication, or maybe you should sign up for a workout class 'cause you've been lonely and you wanna move your body. Whatever it is that need that you're avoiding and filling with other easier, more tangible things, it's gonna come [00:08:00] around and bite you in the butt. It's gonna come back around eventually, and it's gonna come back around when you don't have the time, energy, or capacity for it. So my recommendation is when back to school comes around and you have a little bit of time, a little bit of space for yourself to start chipping away at those things, those problems that. Nobody really knows you're dealing with really. You're probably keeping them to yourself. You're probably suppressing those issues. But those are the types of self-care activities that when you finally address them, you're, you feel liberated. You grow in confidence, you grow in self-esteem, you grow in self-trust 'cause you're doing those really hard things that have such a huge return in your mental health and your wellbeing and your mental health and your wellbeing affect everything else in your life.

The way you show up as a mother, a wife, a friend, an employee, a business owner. So I just wanna encourage moms with the transition into the new academic year and school and structure and routine to not be so quick to fill it [00:09:00] with, you know, those household tasks and to actually take some time to deal with your inner world.

Monica Packer: And I think that's where that pattern of self neglect comes is because we're so externally focused. It's easy to think about all the ex external to-dos instead of rather thinking internally, what do I need right now? And you know, when you were describing some of the things that may count as self-care in that moment, uh, I'm sure people listening are like, wait, is that, wait?

Is that self-care? Like, I thought we were gonna be talking about some fun stuff, which we.

Mia Hemstad: know.

Monica Packer: too. But this is where I think it would be helpful to have a refresher of the, the types of self-care that you teach on. And again, this is where we really went into full detail with this, with the past episode, but let's do a refresher so they know what, well, this is actually the kind of ways you can care for yourself and that you want to be thinking of now with a bit more breathing room.

Mia Hemstad: Yes, exactly. So I have four types of self-care that I teach. They're in my four B self-care framework. The first one [00:10:00] is basic self-care. It needs to come first, is your foundation, and that includes five types of basic self-care in that umbrella. So there's sleep, eating, well, hydration, hygiene. movement.

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: Then there's boring self-care, and this is all the stuff that you don't wanna do, but if you tackle it, you're gonna feel a lot lighter, a lot happier. And this can include cleaning out the fridge. This can include finally getting rid of the clothes that your son doesn't fit anymore. But it also includes assessing if you need to go to therapy, calling your healthcare insurance to see if they cover mental health coverage. Seeing a psychiatrist finally making that gynecologist appointment and getting or getting your mammogram like this is the kind of stuff that moms neglect and avoid because it's not on fire yet. So we push it off until it is on fire. But I wanna remind you that the best time to prepare for a crisis is before the crisis. So that's the stuff that actually prevents it. [00:11:00] And I unfortunately had to learn the hard way and had two breakdowns, and then was like, oh, I should probably see a psychiatrist. Don't do what I did. It's so

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: to be proactive and preventative with our health, whether it's mental, whether it's physical, whether you're going to see a therapist, whether you're getting your mammogram, whatever it is. Taking the time to regularly plug those appointments in for yourself. That time to even think. Sometimes I just have time on my calendar designated to think about something, 'cause I'm not sure what I wanna do. And we all know. We have such decision fatigue as mothers. We're making so many decisions all day long that if you're thinking, if you wanna continue going to that gynecologist that you didn't really like, but that's why you're avoiding making an appointment.

Or if you wanna take the time to search for someone new, that's actually some thinking that you need to take some time to do. And you're probably not gonna make that happen in between school, drop off and pick up and all that. So this is the type of self-care that falls under boring. And then there's brilliant self-care, which is the fun stuff.

The, the watching your favorite show, taking an art [00:12:00] class, going to a dance class, spending time with your friend, lights you up inside. And then there's bougie self-care, which is anything that feels luxurious to you. So this doesn't necessarily have to be getting your nails done, getting a massage. My favorite bougie self-care to date is getting myself a robot vacuum.

I love to just. Press that button and watch that thing, do the job I used to do while I lay down on the couch and watch tv, or I take a

Monica Packer: Love that.

Mia Hemstad: So just know that boujee self-care is whatever feels luxurious to you. So those are my

Monica Packer: Okay. Those four Bs, I mean this is again, this is what people keep bringing up to me, the four Bs. One, one thing I wanted to ask about that. When you talk about the boring, I think that's when we can easily get Swep into those external tasks again and therefore the patterns of self neglect.

'cause you're just thinking of like all the to-dos. But I think what's different about the way you presented that, it's the ones that matter to you.

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: It's, it's not what matters to everyone else, although it could have some crossover. It's the ones that keep bothering [00:13:00] you or that have to do with you specifically that have been neglected.

Mia Hemstad: Correct. And I mean the one way to look at it is I think that self-care is supposed to serve you not the other way around.

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: if you're just doing a bunch of external things, because it's like everybody look at how clean and organized my house is, but then within your own self, you're, it's a cluttered mess in your mind because you haven't dealt with something you should have grieved, something you should have dealt with.

Maybe a traumatic experience, maybe a negative experience at work. stuff happening inside of you that needs to be tended to, you know, we don't just wake up and everything we've been carrying just gets flushed away. And so I think it's really important as we go through life that we're asking if our self-care is supporting our health, happiness, and wellbeing. So to me, that's the ultimate goal. And so, yeah, I can. Fill my boring self care list with a bunch of, um, household tasks and have a very clean and organized house. But if I'm. [00:14:00] Systematically neglecting to deal with whatever is going on with me, that's gonna eventually leak into your ability to show up for these other areas of your self-care.

It's gonna affect your ability to show up as a mother. It's gonna affect your ability to show up as a wife. So ultimately, if your wellbeing is being neglected because you keep reorganizing your pantry, that's not self-care. That's not self-care. 'cause you're not taking care of you, you're doing something else, right.

Monica Packer: It's, it can be difficult to untangle because I think this is where women are like, I just want a straightforward black and white answer on what is self-care. What is not. I think these four types though, are really instructive in ways that you can break it down when you consider what do I need, what do I want?

What has been neglected in these areas? And this is where I actually want to ask you about the how piece to this,

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: for the women who are feeling the multi-layered exhaustion. And as part of that, the multilayered neglect of even knowing. Uh, the answers to those questions, what do I need? What do I want?

[00:15:00] What, what self care am I lacking in? How do you advise that they proceed to even figuring that out to getting back in tune?

Mia Hemstad: Yeah. So there's a variety of ways we could approach this, but something that I think affects the how. Is the fact that mothers have a lot of competing priorities and it can be really hard to determine if you should prioritize finding a therapist, for example, or organizing the pantry.

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: saying that organizing the pantry is not a good use of your time.

I just spent all last week organizing my kitchen because with school starting and my kids being home for a couple more weeks while I'm working with them. No childcare. They're constantly asking me, mom, I want a snack. I can't find a snack. So I literally reorganized the pantry so that they can easily access their snacks.

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: stress in my day. Right? So what I'm trying to say is. These types of external things that feel good to get done and that you could see them, they're tangible. Those things are important, but how do we make sure that the [00:16:00] stuff that doesn't feel as urgent doesn't get neglected? Like your health and your happiness and your wellbeing.

I like to use this kind of order of priority system so when I look at my week, I make sure that I'm working on one to two basic self-care each day.

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: whatever I'm really struggling with at the moment. So. I recommend one to two basic self-care practices to focus on each day. So for me right now, that is hydration. I fill up my big old water bottle in the morning after breakfast, and then movement. I love to make excuses for why I don't have time to exercise, but I'm like, Nope, we're going out, going on a walk.

We're getting outside. So those are the two. So I'll go the five basics. Pick two to

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: each day. And then for boring, I always make sure that there's at least one to two per week that I'm focusing on. And

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: boring self-care activities has to do only with me. So one of them would be organize the [00:17:00] pantry.

That's what I did last week. Right. And then the other one was. Finally schedule an appointment with this like sleep study person. I have a sleep disorder, so making sure that I schedule that appointment is really important so that way I always make sure there's something for me happening each week and there's something for the house or something for the kids happening each. And then with brilliant self-care, I try to do one a week that's either make time to watch my favorite show, or I've been scheduling like a once a month movie night. So it's like making sure I'm reaching out to my friend and coordinating the next movie night, right? What are we gonna watch? When is it gonna be what time?

Who's bringing what food? So that's my brilliant self-care to look forward to. And then I try to do one bougie self-care per month. This month, well, I already did my bougie self-care, let's say next month. I am getting a dryer. I have been hanging in my laundry in Portugal for three years, and I am very excited to be getting a dryer.

That's a luxury here. People don't have dryers here in Europe, so

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: that's how I approach. Every week when I sit down, I do my 15 minutes journaling. I use the [00:18:00] four Bs to guide me. It's one to two basic per day. One to two boring per week, and then one brilliant and one bougie per month.

When I use that structure, it keeps me from getting overwhelmed, trying to do every self-care activity every single day. That is not possible, but when you have this structure, it makes sure that the month doesn't go by, and again, you forgot about you, and again, you forgot about scheduling that appointment.

And again, you forgot about calling the doctor. No, no, no. Once a week. What is happening for you? Non-negotiable. And then a quick tidbit, a nod to the three Ds in my decrease delete delegate boundary setting framework. know me, I always say moms don't need to be better at time management. We need less stuff to manage.

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: know, do a little dump of everything that's going on when you do your weekly journaling and see what can I decrease, what can I delete, what can I delegate? Because you need more time and space. To practice self-care. That's just [00:19:00] a fact. You have, you can't cramm self-care into an already cram schedule.

So doing that boundary setting process can be very helpful as well.

Monica Packer: I love that. So, so this is multilayered both, both deep but also very practical. The deep side to it, I think is what we talked about earlier, is valuing what you want and need, putting yourself on the list, acknowledging the positive effects that has for you and for everyone that's connected to you.

So that's the deep work. But this practical side of it, I, I love the idea of really getting practical and also tactile about when am I doing what to ensure that I'm hitting those as well as the boundaries. Um, so I'm gonna re recap those. Decrease, delegate, delete.

Mia Hemstad: Correct.

Monica Packer: that's what you do with like a, do you do that after like a brain dump almost, of thinking about, where are my responsibilities right now for this particular season?

Or how else does that look? Or in the moment kind of,

Mia Hemstad: Yeah, so I mean, it's changed every season in life. I

Monica Packer: sure.

Mia Hemstad: When I

Monica Packer: both.

Mia Hemstad: with some, yeah, when I [00:20:00] start working with someone, let's say they're doing this for the first

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Mia Hemstad: usually start with a brain dump of everything that's on their plate because they're managing so much. And then we'll do, okay, what can you decrease?

What can you do less of? So for instance, like let's say they're cooking a meal every single night, and I'm like, okay, you can easily start to double batch, make twice as much, so you're only cooking every other night. That makes. Huge difference with the mental load. ' cause you're not asking what's for dinner.

You know, you're reheating the lasagna. You know you're reheating the roast chicken, right? When it comes to deleting, a lot of times we're working on some commitments. Like let's say you volunteered to be at the big sale. You have no business being at the big sale this time around, so you need to cancel that commitment. Or it could be deleting a belief like I don't have time for me.

Monica Packer: Hm.

Mia Hemstad: don't deserve to carve out time for me. I don't deserve to spend money on me. It's not the right time for me to be focusing on me. beliefs, again, will come around and bite you in the butt and you'll end up getting burned out or unhealthy or unwell.

And who does that serve? Not [00:21:00] you, not your family. So there's some beliefs you need to unsubscribe from in order to step more fully into the work that is taking care of yourself. And then there's delegate. Can you ask your partner to pick something up? Your mom to pick something up, your sister to help you with something, your friend to help you with something.

People are, are a lot more willing to help out than you realize. A lot of us don't wanna ask 'cause we're scared of hearing. No. But we need to become more comfortable hearing. No, only because it's gonna help you put yourself out there more, but because then you're gonna feel more comfortable telling people No. Because you're receiving no. And you're like, I can respect your, no, and I'm, I can let people hear my no as well. Right. And I think we just need to get more comfortable with that. I know some people have rejection sensitivity. I do too. But I feel like I've, through exposure therapy, I've helped myself, you know, hear the word no, and that's okay.

But we really have to work on minimizing the amount of stuff on your plate. And sometimes it's like. [00:22:00] Outsourcing to grocery delivery, outsourcing to, getting a housekeeper once a month or once a quarter so that you're not doing all the work yourself. Right. And I always like to tell people with this one, 'cause they go, I could never do a laundry service.

I could never, you know, and it's like, but in this season where you're going through this mental health flare up or you just had a baby, or your toddler just started school and they're having a tantrum every morning, can you delegate or outsource something? And know that it's temporary.

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: a season, it's

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: And I really wish I had that flexibility with myself when I was in early

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Mia Hemstad: thinking, but I have student loans. I need to focus on the student loan repayment. When in reality I could have probably dropped down my payment a little bit 'cause I was paying double, like my minimum amount just to get a, a sitter.

'cause I wasn't sleeping. I had two babies at home. I wasn't sleeping for months. That did not do me any favors. And I think if someone just said Mia, but. this season, your babies don't know how to sleep through the night yet. You need some more [00:23:00] help at home so that you can keep your health intact, and then you can go back to paying off your loans later, right? Moms need to be reminded that things can be for a season. The changes

Monica Packer: Hmm.

Mia Hemstad: And what matters most is that you're supported through the season you're in. That's what matters most is that you're supported.

Monica Packer: I think that lens is really helpful. When women have a tradeoff sensitivity to

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: they just are like, I can't because that means this part of my life will suffer. Or this person or it will cost money or it'll require someone to be put out a little bit. Like there's always gonna be tradeoffs. So if you gave yourself permission to make certain tradeoffs for a particular season, knowing like, Hey, it can change.

It doesn't have to be this way forever. I think that's so helpful. You know that, that. That, um, brain dump of responsibilities and moving through those three Ds I think may be the first step, honestly, to everything we just talked about, because

Mia Hemstad: It [00:24:00] is the first step.

Monica Packer: it is okay.

Mia Hemstad: that boundaries are the prerequisite to self-care. You cannot practice self-care sustainably unless you do that first.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. And that's what's been, those boundaries have been pushed

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: meddled, especially during the summer months. Right. And so if we're gonna talk about resetting and recentering yourself at the beginning of the school year. That seems like the most important thing to do because it is gonna change seasonally too.

And then to move into, okay, now what can I know under those, the four Bs that I can then prioritize? I did wanna lean a little bit more into brilliant.

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: This one I think is a little bit harder to wrap your head around if you. Only think of it as basic or bougie kind of stuff, which are a little bit easier to get in touch with.

I think once you understand the practicality of those and the fun of the, the bougie one too. Brilliant. That strikes me as like hobbies almost. Uh, what, how else would you [00:25:00] describe brilliant so they can kind of flesh out what that looks like for them?

Mia Hemstad: this is the intangible self-care, so

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: for people to wrap their head around and that's okay. Brilliant. Self-care is any activity or thing that lights you up.

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: It's connecting with the things that make you feel like you. I like to think of brilliant self care as the opposite of burnout, because I feel like burnout, that kind of spiritual burnout where you feel like you're not yourself and you feel numb, and you feel disconnected.

I think that happens when we go too long, not doing anything that connects us to ourselves. So. me, it was going back to dance class. Right? That's a hobby of mine, but it's something that's also a passion. It's something that lights me up and energizes me. It makes me feel like me, keeps my inner light from being extinguished and burned out.

Right. Um, I know, uh, one of my clients started going to pottery class and making cera. And that was really fun for her. Um, [00:26:00] one of my clients started a book club to just read fun fiction. Um, I started a monthly movie nightclub with a

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: movies. Um, and then also just, I like to, I love watching TV and movies.

I went to film school and for some reason, even though I went to film school and learned how to make a movie. I still have that voice like my parents' voice in my head of like, watching TV will melt your brain. This is

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: use of your time. You should only be watching documentaries. I love film as an art, you know, the same kind of like value of going to a museum in France.

To me that's going to see a good film or watching a good show. And my husband and I went to the same school, so we love to like talk about the show after. It's like our thing. So to me that lights me up and to just like, for me now, brilliant self care in a way takes place once a week, not just once a month anymore.

'cause I'm like. Ooh, what show am I gonna watch this week? Because I now, I'm like, I go to bed earlier and earlier now,

Monica Packer: Yes,

Mia Hemstad: like,

Monica Packer: I relate.

Mia Hemstad: I am gonna watch a 45 minute show. I'm like, okay, what [00:27:00] day is that gonna happen? We have to put the kids

Monica Packer: Sure.

Mia Hemstad: bed early I'm gonna go to sleep at nine 30.

Okay. Um, but yeah, so that's, to me it's anything that lights you up. And I think it's so important because that's, that's, that's the one thing that moms are not gonna make time to do.

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Mia Hemstad: it's fun and it's like, I'm an adult who has time for fun, and it's like, you need to have time for fun, girl. I think that's why moms like, you know, that classic identity crisis we all go through because you, you, your whole life revolves around keeping someone alive and you stopped doing all the things that made you feel like you, so of course you lost touch with who you are.

You did, you stopped doing all the things that made you feel like you, and so that inner light. Your inner brilliance got extinguished and now you're like, where did she go? I don't even know what I like anymore. What's my favorite color? Like that's, that's the stuff that we have to protect even though it feels frivolous, even though somewhere along the way someone said, you're grown now, you don't get to play.

Playing is for kids. It's like, no, we all need to play. [00:28:00] We all need to play no

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And for those in my community, they know that the Do something list can help them figure that out because there, there are people where it is been so long. And that you don't, you don't even know what lights you up anymore. But I think the biggest thing is trying,

Mia Hemstad: Mm-hmm.

Monica Packer: just trying And it's okay that if it's not the thing, if the movie club isn't your thing, fine, that's great.

Now you know, now you can try that tap dance or you can cross stitch at home or whatever it may be that you love that, that will help you learn. Relearn really what lights you up.

Mia Hemstad: I love that. And if you could see, I have a graveyard of hobbies that I started and never continued

Monica Packer: I love hearing that.

Mia Hemstad: I

Monica Packer: that

Mia Hemstad: there's so many sketchbooks and watercolor and it's just like,

Monica Packer: I have those too.

Mia Hemstad: a time when it was like, I wasted money. I need to stick to that hobby. 'cause I spent the money. You need to give yourself permission to try. How many times have you bought your kid a toy? You thought it was gonna be the thing [00:29:00] they were so excited in the

Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.

Mia Hemstad: touched it since. Are

Monica Packer: Yes.

Mia Hemstad: at them? Are you like you better play with that toy? I mean, maybe once or twice, but like after a while, like your kid's just not interested and I think we need to extend ourselves the same patience and grace.

'cause we're figuring it out too. We're figuring out what we even like to do and that's okay.

Monica Packer: Yeah, and that's the other obstacle, the time and money piece. Well, we do that with our kids all the time. Like how many of us raise what become professional soccer players like? Very, very few. Maybe like the 1% of the 1%, but yet we're all going to those games and the practices and you know it. So why not for ourselves too?

And it doesn't have to be a lot, and it doesn't have to be anything. Even there's so much on YouTube that is free to help you lean into something that you work even curious about.

Mia Hemstad: 100%. There's so much to get out of trying something and yeah, you're right. It's like, do we expect our kid to be the most exceptional version of whatever activity we sign them up for? I [00:30:00] hope not. That's a

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: and we shouldn't put that same pressure on ourselves either.

Monica Packer: Well, here's your permission slip then to everyone lean into the brilliant side, especially once you take care of some of the boundaries and, and, and sketch out how to make that time more possible. I would love to end with what we are thinking of doing on the four Bs. Maybe one thing that we know that we're going to prioritize as we go into the school year, I'm gonna share mine first so I can give you a little bit of time to think. This summer, I bought myself a sewing machine at the end of the summer

Mia Hemstad: yay.

Monica Packer: sitting.

Just out of you on the other side of this computer on the floor. I, I was hiding it from my kids 'cause they're not really allowed in my office. So

Mia Hemstad: Right?

Monica Packer: hasn't been used yet. Haven't cracked it, haven't looked at the owner's manual. It's the time factor for me. That's the hobby. My brilliant type of self-care that I want to prioritize by doing something like homey, like pajama pants kind of level.

Mia Hemstad: so beautiful.

Monica Packer: So that's mine. So what, what, [00:31:00] what are you thinking that you want to put on the top of your list?

Mia Hemstad: Oh, brilliant self-care.

Monica Packer: Any form actually would be, would be nice to hear. You talked about the sleep expert, which is one of, I guess, your boring ones, right? But what's something that you're like, this, this is coming. I'm coming for it.

Mia Hemstad: you know, I easily can tell you. So I finally, after three years of living in Portugal, have found three really good mom friends, I was kind of a hermit for a bit when I came out here. I was just focused on getting stable and

Monica Packer: Mm.

Mia Hemstad: perspective, from a financial perspective, and now I finally have some really amazing friends and I was like, you know what? We need to do a monthly mom's night out. And you

Monica Packer: Yeah.

Mia Hemstad: honestly it was hilarious is I said, mom's night out. Because that's kind of what people call it. But I was like, can it be a mom's night in, can

Monica Packer: Mm,

Mia Hemstad: the kids and the dads to whoever's house we're not at? And all the moms would just come get on the couch, get the pillows, get the blankets, get the tea, because like none of us [00:32:00] drink

Monica Packer: and spill the t.

Mia Hemstad: and spill the tea.

And we'll just like complain and cry, and laugh and have the comfort of being at home. Come in your sweatpants, you don't gotta get dressed. And we're gonna start doing that once a month. I haven't set a date yet, but we've been talking to each other about it, that when the school year starts, we're gonna make it happen.

And I can't tell you how much that makes my heart sing because I am such a community based type of girl. And, but it has to be with the right people, you know? And

Monica Packer: Mm.

Mia Hemstad: finally found those people. So I'm so grateful to be investing more time into relationships.

Monica Packer: I love that answer so much and it actually makes me wanna move to Portugal so I can join in, but I just have to do it here.

Mia Hemstad: gosh.

Monica Packer: buddies on that. I'll, I'll,

Mia Hemstad: that.

Monica Packer: In when I've made something home E worthy and you send me a pic of your first tea time Mom night in night. That would be so great.

It's always fun to have that.

Mia Hemstad: like gingham, like checkered pajama [00:33:00] pants. Like Oh, frilly with frilly, like leg apart. Oh my gosh. I'm so

Monica Packer: Sounds amazing. Can't wait. Can't wait for the picture. I'm gonna get on that and what I'm gonna send you too, maybe I'll make some gig and pants then to go with that theme. So, uh, I would love to let them know where they should go to learn more from you, and then we'll end with a final question. But I mean, where should they go?

Mia.

Mia Hemstad: Go to my website, y'all no longer last.com is the place to be. All my resources are there, including my free four B guide, which has been downloaded hundreds of times now that shares the four B self-care framework, but

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: more examples, a little bit of some journal prompts and also like this really great one pager that you can print out that has that like.

How many times you should schedule each type of self-care per month, per week slash whatever

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: get overwhelmed. So

Monica Packer: I love that.

Mia Hemstad: Go get it. It's for free. It's on my side.

Monica Packer: Awesome. We'll make sure we link to that. We'll also link to your Instagram and your podcast as well. Our final question, [00:34:00] what is one small way listeners can take action on what they learned today?

Mia Hemstad: Ooh. 15 minutes. Mine's always on Sunday. Where you check in with yourself, you can do the brain dump and go through the three Ds. You can jot down a type of self care under each B,

Monica Packer: Okay.

Mia Hemstad: write down how you're feeling. Maybe I am not okay, or I am overwhelmed, or I need more help. And that can really kickstart, okay, well what do I need to help me through this? And those 15 minutes for me once a week is how I make sure that I don't wake up at the end of every year and go, that year just flew by and I still haven't done anything for myself, right? That 15 minutes a week is a sacred time where I make sure that I'm not forgotten, and I encourage every mom to make that time for her as well.

Monica Packer: Oh, so good. And I, I think it all goes back to I love how you, um, the, the name of your work really is, you know, no longer last. That's it. That's what we're [00:35:00] asking for. You are no longer last. This is an opportunity for you to actually live that out. What about you? What about you? It's time. It's time to not be last.

No longer last for you. Mia, thank you very much for being here. I really appreciate it.

Mia Hemstad: Thank you, Monica. Always a pleasure.

Monica Packer: Okay. So good. I, I am been like looking at the baby monitor, my toddler.

Mia Hemstad: Right now I'm act. Okay. What am I working on right now? Hygiene. So I'm trying to fill up my water. My big old water bottle after breakfast is like the habit I'm working on hygiene

Monica Packer: Do you mean hydrate?

Mia Hemstad: Oh, oh yes. Sorry.

Monica Packer: I, I just wanted to, I knew that would be hard to correct, so, so say that one over. Well, let's, let's do hydrate.

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