Why You Don’t Have to Be a Perfect Parent to Raise an ADHD Child Well || with Drs. Lori and Mallory from the Childhood Collective
Aug 11, 2025
The fear of making mistakes can paralyze parents and prevent true connections with their kids. In this episode I explore this challenge with Drs. Lori and Mallory from the Childhood Collective, focusing on parents of neurodiverse children, particularly those with ADHD. We delve into the societal pressures and internal criticisms that complicate parenting and underscore the importance of striving for connection rather than perfection.
Through personal anecdotes and professional insights, we illustrate how embracing mistakes, practicing self-compassion, and prioritizing small steps can lead to more effective and fulfilling parenting. The episode also emphasizes the significance of repair work and offers actionable advice for handling guilt and missteps, ultimately framing imperfection as a gift to our children.
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TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Mallory Yee: [00:00:00] the fear of making the mistake can paralyze parents and keep them from having moments of true connection with their kids.
Monica Packer: Hi, this is Monica Packer and you are listening to about progress where we are about progress made practical.
Have you ever been judged as a parent? Without even hearing your answer. I know it is. Yes, because all parents get judged at one point or another, whether it's from a well-meaning family member, a stranger at the grocery store or even a friend at church. To be a parent means you will be judged.
But what if that judging includes you being critical of yourself? Maybe this is a mix of internalized criticism and internalized societal expectations, but being a mom is made more complicated when the way we see and talk to ourselves is constantly under our [00:01:00] own microscope, as if it's better if we criticize our own messy passes of parenting before someone else can. I find this is especially true when you have Neurodiverse children, including ADHD. You know, I have several myself. If you're in that boat, of course you know you love your child, your children more than anything else.
And when they have special needs like ADHD, you take on additional responsibilities to mold, to support, and to advocate for them. But because we live in an imperfect world with imperfect systems, and also because we are humans who have never done this before, we make mistakes.
And when your child has special needs, each mistake can feel like the mistake that will define not just your parenting, but their lives. Today, I want to offer some hope for parents of ADHD Children specifically. You don't have to be perfect to [00:02:00] parent Well. I invited doctors, Lori and Mallory from the Childhood Collective to talk about the myth of perfect parenting.
What it really means to be a good parent to an ADHD child, and how giving yourself grace might be the best thing you do for your child and yourself. Whether or not you have a child with ADHD, if you've ever worried that your mistakes mean you're failing, this one's for you. Doctors, Lori and Mallory are both child psychologists who, alongside Katie, a speech language pathologist, run the Childhood Collective an education platform to support parents of children with ADHD.
After working with families over a combined total of 40 years, they created the childhood collective to provide simple science-backed strategies to help you find joy and confidence in parenting your child with ADHD. With their courses and podcasts shining with ADHD, parents are empowered to help their child thrive and just a [00:03:00] quick note in this interview, I spoke to Lori and Mallory specifically. That episode is coming up after a quick break for our sponsors.
Doctors Mallory and Lori from the Childhood Collective, welcome to about progress.
Dr. Lori Long: We're so happy to be here. Thank you for having us.
Monica Packer: I've just loved your show so much. It's been an invaluable resource to me as a mom with several kids with ADHD, as well as other NeuroD diversities. And you know, today we're here to talk about parenting specifically for those who have ADHD children.
And while we know you're professionals. I wanted to level at the beginning that you're also parents, so can you just tell us, do you have ADHD kids in your home?
Dr. Mallory Yee: Yeah, well, we all have ADHD in our homes. Some of us are raising kids with ADHD, some of us too.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Mallory Yee: us have ADHD ourselves. Some of us have partners who have ADHD. Um, so it's, I'd say it's safe to say that we're, we're living it.
Monica Packer: [00:04:00] Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: So I remember soon after my third child was diagnosed with ADHD. Lo and behold, it was a different form than my other two.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah.
Monica Packer: I was so overwhelmed by trying to learn this particular child's version of it and how to help them. More specifically that I just felt inundated with both the desire but also the pressure to do so perfectly.
So whether it's their first child or they have multiple children like this, I wanted to begin with the fact that it can feel even more. Layered as a parent with a child, with ADHD to be a perfect parent so that you can support them. So how do you feel like parents in that particular position fall for this lie?
That they have to be perfect in order to serve their ADHD child.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Oh gosh. I feel like a lot of it starts [00:05:00] with kind of the comparison game,
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Mallory Yee: where you see your friends and family parenting their kids in a certain way, and you wanna do that too, and you quickly learn that. That's not working for your kid, that's not working for your family, but then you start putting the shoulds on yourself, right?
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Why isn't that working for me? I should be able to do it. They make it seem easy. so a lot of it starts, I feel like just, um, seeing other people
Monica Packer: people.
Dr. Mallory Yee: In a certain way. so you feel like you should be able to do that, but you quickly learn. That's not working.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah. And then. And then I think what happens from there is feeling like, well, I am, I am not doing right because my child responds disrespectfully a lot,
Monica Packer: mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Says no all the time. And they place that on themselves.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: that's because I'm not doing it perfectly or not doing it the right way.
Like I look [00:06:00] on social media and, and I think one of the hard things about social media these days is there's, the
Monica Packer: Wonderful thing is there's so much.
Dr. Lori Long: and so many tips and things like that, but there's a lot of scripts like,
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: This script in this situation.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: these words and you're sitting there thinking, well, I, okay, now there is a right way to do it. There's a right
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: it. There's a right way to handle the situation. And if I
Monica Packer: I,
Dr. Lori Long: do it the right way, then I'm not perfect. Like I do think it can feed into that perfectionism that a lot of parents feel. and then it's like when those things don't work well, that's my fault because
Monica Packer: mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: doing it right
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: there is a right way and I'm not doing it right.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Gosh. Yeah. And add that to, you know, the many myths that are out there. About ADHD one of them being that ADHD is caused by
Monica Packer: That.
Dr. Mallory Yee: parenting. That it's not really ADHD, it's just, it's just the way you're parenting. And if you [00:07:00] just parented differently, your child wouldn't have ADHD or that you could cure ADHD. Um, so I feel like that adds on to that guilt too.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah, I, we just, um, just was talking about a New York Times article on our Instagram and kind of responding to it because there was a lot of stuff in there about medication being problematic and, and all of these things. And we really speak to. on our account, like the science of ADHD and what is helpful medication being one of those treatments that is helpful.
And so many parents were like, thank you for speaking out about this,
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: I felt so much guilt, like I'm doing it wrong. Um, I'm making things like, like I'm doing things to make my life easier, right? And so I'm doing it wrong, even though the medication was helping their child. Tremendously. They were still feeling like I'm getting this message from the world and the new New York Times and doctors who are interviewed in [00:08:00] here that I'm doing something wrong. Um, and, and it's, there's just lots of misinformation out there. And, and again, from reputable people sometimes that I've done something wrong and placing that shame and guilt on parents.
Monica Packer: You know, parenting is a humbling experience period. But when you have an ADHD child, it can often feel like you are trying to insert that square peg into the round hole because everyone's saying, this is what parenting looks like. And when you don't fit that mold and neither does your child it, it can create this internalized shame about.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: but who you are. Um, so starting with Lori, I mean, maybe you can speak more to what does a good parent look like for ADHD child and how it's not about those prescriptions of one size fits all. It's not round holes gonna work for every single. Child, and I'm speaking more specifically to ADHD [00:09:00] because as I alluded to earlier, there's so many different subsets.
Like, so even the advice that we can get, it may be directed to a certain type of ADHD. So what actually qualifies someone as a good parent to an ADHD child?
Dr. Lori Long: I think again, if you are listening to this podcast, you're, you've sought it out and you're kind of saying, Hey, I need help in strategies. Right. And I think we try and tell parents who are in our community like, you're a good, you are a good parent because you are trying, you're trying to understand your child at the very, very least.
Which be honest, is like one of the most effective things that we can do when we're parenting kids with ADHD is try to understand ADHD and your, and your child's brain. Um, being a good parent is trying different things. It's, trying to understand it's, understanding that it isn't one size
Monica Packer: Fits.
Dr. Lori Long: Like there's no one script and no certain [00:10:00] words that are going to work for your specific child. And if you have multiple kids, you've probably found this out. Like you could say one thing to one kid that could calm them down and you could say that same thing to your ADHD child and that could escalate them significantly. Um, so part of it is just kind of trial and error and figuring out. What, what works best for your kids? And knowing that in that trial and error, there are gonna be things that don't work and that's okay.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Um, for us to grow as parents, we have to make mistakes ourselves. And the problem becomes when we become paralyzed with fear of making a mistake and then we stop going on the play date because, oh my gosh, I'm, I'm gonna be judged. Are my kids going
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: kid's butt or
Monica Packer: Yeah,
Dr. Lori Long: like all these things
Monica Packer: are.
Dr. Lori Long: Happen, um, and I'm gonna be judged, so I'm just not gonna do it anymore. And so then my child doesn't have [00:11:00] opportunities to grow anymore and I don't have any opportunities to grow anymore as a parent or figure out what works for them.
Monica Packer: So I'm hearing you say to be a good parent, especially to those with ADHD, you need to have the desire and you need to try. But I didn't hear you say you need to do it all perfectly. In fact, you were saying the opposite. You need to make space for mistakes. So Mallory, how have you seen that fear of making mistakes interfere with actually being what we have qualified as a good parent?
Um, how do you see people maybe misdirecting their efforts because of that fear?
Dr. Mallory Yee: Oh gosh. I feel like it, the fear of making the mistake can paralyze parents and keep them from having moments of true connection with their kids. Let me give you an example. So. Early on in just being in the parenting space in social media, I noticed that something that a lot of parenting accounts were posting about was about [00:12:00] praising your kids, right?
Telling your kid when you've, they've done something you like or they've done a good job. And there's a lot of, there's a
Monica Packer: Lot
Dr. Mallory Yee: of
Monica Packer: thought out there.
Dr. Mallory Yee: praise. Some people are saying, never praise your kids because it will damage their internal motivation.
Monica Packer: Don't say good job.
Dr. Mallory Yee: And,
Dr. Lori Long: say good job.
Dr. Mallory Yee: that's another one.
Don't say good job. You need to be specific in your praise and tell them if you're going to praise, you need to be specific in it. Tell them exactly what you like. And yes, like the research shows that praise
Monica Packer: is.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Way to grow skills and improve your child's challenging behaviors. And that the more specific you are, the better.
That's true. I feel like it was keeping parents from praising their kids if they're like, rather than, 'cause we're saying, never say good job. Parents are missing an opportunity to connect with their kids and have a positive moment because they're scared they're gonna praise wrong.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Mallory Yee: of praising wrong, they don't praise at all.
And then
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Mallory Yee: of lost this moment of genuine and [00:13:00] true connection with their child because they're scared they're gonna do it wrong. So they just don't do it at all.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Mallory Yee: So I don't want, I don't want parents to doing it wrong at the expense of, again, having those moments of true connection and just. there with your child,
Monica Packer: That's an excellent example. I feel like I, I have felt that too, when that advice was so prominent. I felt like the stopping myself being like, no, you're gonna say it wrong. Like, don't do that.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: But I also have felt that, um, the reverse side where, where it's like the, and again, positive reinforcement research back, it's gonna help a lot.
I knew that was a teacher too, but at the same time, I literally saw people giving advice to ignore a kid hitting another kid. Just ignore the bad behavior, don't water the weeds. And it's like, well, that doesn't work either. So it's those extremes. Do you have anything to add to that, Lori, about what mistakes you see parents making because they're trying not to make mistakes?
Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah, I mean, I think again, it's like I'm [00:14:00] paralyzed with fear in a situation, and I think that's a great example of like, my child hits another child and like, don't want to look like I don't know what I'm doing, or I
Monica Packer: I don't wanna look
Dr. Lori Long: like a, a bad parent,
Monica Packer: yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: I'm just, I
Monica Packer: I don't even know what to do.
Dr. Lori Long: I freeze, you know? Fight, flight or freeze, and
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: Freeze. And then as a result, my child is like not getting the feedback that they need. Like kids with ADHD need very clear feedback, positive and corrective to know like, this is okay, this is not, and they need consequences. And so then we're not. not doing those things that could be helpful 'cause we're afraid of getting it wrong.
We're
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: of correcting in the wrong way and causing some sort of damage to our kids or whatever. And I think, again, there's just a lot out there of like, you know, don't praise your child when they come out in a pretty princess dress and say it, you look beautiful. It's like. I wanna say that like, that's natural for me as a parent, but there's [00:15:00] lots of feedback of like, well, that's gonna cause them to just want more praise for that later on.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: it gets you in your head
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Oh my gosh, I'm, I'm just, I'm gonna damage my child. I'm doing some something wrong. opposed
Monica Packer: To kind of looking at,
Dr. Lori Long: picture like our kids are actually. Really resilient
Monica Packer: yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: Um, they have very resilient brains. And, uh, again, know that you're trying. And sometimes when we're trying, we do mess up or make a mistake or whatever, and we can fix that.
Like we can go back and course correct and we can apologize and we can do those things to help our kids again, understand that we make mistakes too, and
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: and it's human and
Monica Packer: That's okay. I wanna get back to that repair work, especially. But first I, you talked about fight, fight or freeze and how, you know, oftentimes we go to the freeze mode, but I also see a lot of the fighting in me where I'm just like, I have to know everything and I have to do [00:16:00] everything right. And I see this in other women too, where, you know, um, where you're just feeling like you're always on edge trying to watch for something, intercede, fix something, start a new routine or a chart .
What would you say to the overly anxious mom who is out of fear of making mistakes, trying to do everything all the time at the expense of her own self-care, at the expense of her relationship with your child?
Dr. Mallory Yee: I think I, I can relate to this mom and I think, um, for me it came with the mindset shift of embracing the fact that I'm learning along with my child and I am learning how to parent my child. I learn more about them and what they need and embracing the fact that
Monica Packer: I'm,
Dr. Mallory Yee: going to do it right every time,
Monica Packer: yeah.
Dr. Mallory Yee: not gonna have all the answers.
The way I do it over time might shift as I learn more about my child and what works for them. Um, so kind of embracing the fact that I'm a learner [00:17:00] in this process too.
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Mallory Yee: my child.
Monica Packer: I can think of no better model for them because
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah.
Monica Packer: of where they are with ADHD and what form it looks like and how it manifests is. These kids make mistakes and they can internalize them just like we do as parents. They internalize the shame that there's something wrong with them. So what better way to help them learn how to better?
Deal with that in ways that aren't about shaming themselves to model it as a parent, that we make mistakes here and that's okay.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah.
Monica Packer: And speaking to that, Laura, you brought up repair work earlier, and I think it's reflective of, you know, some of the research that has come outta the Gottman Institute about how we don't have to get it all right all the time As parents and repair work is probably the most important part of parenting.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah.
Monica Packer: Can people better use that in the moment when you make mistakes as a parent?
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah. I mean, I think again. When we teach our kids, and I know from when my kids were very young that I [00:18:00] said a lot about like, it's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are great. Like I have an older child that is very much a perfectionist like her mom. And so that was a message that we'd have to say a lot, but then sometimes. actions wouldn't reflect that where she would make a mistake and I would be very hard on her and very frustrated and very upset. And I think one of, of the best ways we can teach our kids is through modeling repair and apologizing when you have made a mistake does a lot of things.
But the first thing it does is it models for our kids, one, that it's okay to make mistakes, we make mistakes as parent, and it's expected that we will make mistakes. Um, it takes away the shame
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: our kids feel when they make mistakes too, that it's okay. Like they don't have to be really defensive because we all do that. [00:19:00] Um, and it takes away the shame that they might feel in those moments that they did something wrong. Well, maybe they did do something wrong, but we did too, and our response was wrong. And how we handled that was wrong. What I said to you was wrong. Um. So some of, again, it gives an opportunity to connect with our kids
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Um, and help them understand, Hey, I, did this wrong and I,
Monica Packer: I
Dr. Lori Long: I had used this strategy.
'cause if I had used this strategy, if I had taken some deep
Monica Packer: wish.
Dr. Lori Long: I think I would've said something a little bit different.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: And again, we're modeling for our kids how to do that. And I don't know about
Monica Packer: But
Dr. Lori Long: but I
Monica Packer: I think.
Dr. Lori Long: I think apologizing is one of the most important skills that any of us can teach our kids and to have a healthy relationship later on in life. responsibility and [00:20:00] modeling how to take responsibility is so important in having a healthy relationship and moving on from hard situations. And I know just in my marriage like it is it. I started to do that sooner and earlier when we were having fights like the, better our relationship became because you're gonna fight, like if you expect that you're not gonna fight or have disagreements in your marriage or with your kids, like those things will happen. They just will. And you're gonna say stuff that you wish you didn't say, like, all of us are gonna do that. Um, the question is, do we take responsibility for that? And do we own up with that? And that can really relieve the other person of feeling like, I did this and this is my fault. Right?
Monica Packer: Yeah, you've really broke down the how to that. But more so I think the why, that's an opportunity for more connection as well as teaching even by doing, you know, the teaching of accountability and [00:21:00] responsibility and humility and how to interact with mistakes. So there's so much more to that repair work and owning our mistakes.
And it goes back to something we said earlier. You have to expect that you're gonna make mistakes. I think that. One of the hardest parts of it though, is the guilt. Um, when I see recovering perfectionist with which I am one, one of the ways we can engage with mistakes is that we, almost beat ourselves up over, over it.
Like we just, we go, we, we just are so hard on ourselves. We over apologize. We overcompensate.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: But the funny thing is I see a lot of people avoid the guilt by avoiding ownership,
Dr. Mallory Yee: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: avoiding taking responsibility. So Mallory, what would you say are some good tips to better and helpfully navigating the guilt that can come when you make a mistake as a parent, I.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Um, just like we, you know, when we're giving parents advice on how to, parent their kids, one of the things we say is
Monica Packer: [00:22:00] Is like.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Your child's made a mistake. Like give them the opportunity to repair and move on, like clean slate. We're not holding grudges, we're
Monica Packer: We're not upset with what
Dr. Mallory Yee: did earlier. Um, give yourself that same grace, extend to yourself that same understanding that it's okay to make mistakes and do things you didn't like. Um. But that you can forgive yourself and you can give
Monica Packer: ourselves.
Dr. Mallory Yee: of a clean slate, a blank slate moving forward. Learn from it and move on. Don't hold that guilt of having made that mistake, having been imperfect. Um, just as we say, give your kids that blank slate,
Monica Packer: That
Dr. Mallory Yee: start, no grudges held. yourself that too.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah,
Monica Packer: love that
Dr. Lori Long: brother and his wife, they don't have kids, but I got this from them that when they'd have an argument and they'd talk about it, they would just both say
Monica Packer: fresh start. Yeah. Love that.
Dr. Lori Long: that we don't go back to this. We don't hold it against each other. We don't bring it up later. [00:23:00] We are starting over and we use that all the time. I use that all the time. And my family, even yesterday, like we are all kind of just arguing, in the car about stuff. And it was just like, pause, okay, we need to just start over. Like we, our family needs to start over. And like all of us saying that word and just like starting over gives us an opportunity to just like, we're forgetting everything that just happened and we're moving forward. We're letting go. Um, so sometimes like announcing that moment and saying we're starting over fresh start, is a great way to do that.
Monica Packer: Such great advice from both of you. I think one thing I would add to that is I think. Why the guilt feels so difficult is because you are mistaking the mistake as who you are.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Hmm.
Monica Packer: Of realizing, I'm a good parent and I made a not great choice, I really messed that up, or I just made a little mistake.
So to remember at the [00:24:00] heart of it, if we're going back to the qualifiers of what makes a good parent, do you have the desire? Are you trying, are you working to connect with your child? Then you are a good parent and. You made a mistake, so it's not a misplacement of who you are. , I wanted to speak a little bit to some examples of this because I know you'd know this both professionally and, and also personally.
You probably have some examples of maybe how you handled this in the past and you do differently now, or the way you've seen clients handle their mistakes as a parent. How to make that shift from having to be perfect to being a good parent, how that actually makes you a better parent. Mallory, do you mind sharing first?
Dr. Mallory Yee: sure. So let's see. Thinking back to a personal example, um, I. I'd say this was, this was a few years ago, but it was a phase of life where things felt challenging. Definitely did not feel like a perfect parent. Um, was maybe skipping play dates like Lori mentioned. 'cause I was worried they were gonna go
Monica Packer: Sideways
Dr. Mallory Yee: weren't gonna go great. [00:25:00] Um, but we're
Monica Packer: at.
Dr. Mallory Yee: and I noticed one of my kids. sand on someone's head I set the limit, that's not okay. Someone, you know, could get sand in their eyes. It's not safe. Um, and chooses to not respect the limit and keeps going. Um, so I've set the limit. I've said if sand, if sand gets dumped again, we have to leave the park, um, to dump sand again.
So now it's time to leave the park. I need to hold that limit. Right. Um, complete meltdown.
Monica Packer: Yeah,
Dr. Mallory Yee: you
Monica Packer: know,
Dr. Mallory Yee: feeling like, oh my gosh, I feel this pressure
Monica Packer: pressure a lot.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Um, as a child psychologist, I feel like my friends are looking to me to like
Monica Packer: Handle
Dr. Mallory Yee: challenging parenting moments. So it feels even, I feel like maybe the pressure is even bigger 'cause you wanna handle it perfectly. Um,
Monica Packer: all.
Dr. Mallory Yee: are on me. I'm trying to handle this mega meltdown, get my kid outta the park for not following the limit I set. And I feel like I'm.
Monica Packer: barely.
Dr. Mallory Yee: it together.
Monica Packer: Oh yeah. And I
Dr. Mallory Yee: him out of the
Monica Packer: parked,
Dr. Mallory Yee: and he rips out a [00:26:00] huge chunk of my hair. And I'm just telling myself,
Monica Packer: I like literally,
Dr. Mallory Yee: the chunk of hair fall to the sidewalk.
Like I. it
Monica Packer: oh my goodness.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Him to the, get him to the car, buckle him into the car seat. Luckily, still at an age where he can't unbuckle himself, so
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Mallory Yee: And drive home. And I just have tears. I'm sad. I
Monica Packer: Didn't like I handled that great. I felt like
Dr. Mallory Yee: it shouldn't have gotten to the point of a meltdown.
What could I have done sooner to avoid
Monica Packer: that
Dr. Mallory Yee: Um.
Monica Packer: Now.
Dr. Mallory Yee: retrospectively, I look back and kind of with the feedback from my friends, even though this was years ago, they'll still talk about this. They'll say like, Mallory, I'll never forget that day at the park. And I'm like, either, but they're like, but they're like, you stayed so calm. Even when he was kind of melting
Monica Packer: down.
Dr. Mallory Yee: he pulled that chunk of hair out and
Monica Packer: So,
Dr. Mallory Yee: You
Monica Packer: you know, I could have,
Dr. Mallory Yee: I beat
Monica Packer: I myself up for a long time about how I handled that and, you know,[00:27:00]
Dr. Mallory Yee: the
Monica Packer: perfection.
Dr. Mallory Yee: go
Monica Packer: back kind of
Dr. Mallory Yee: on what happened and how you could have done it differently and why you did it that way and what was everyone else thinking. but then the outsider's perspective, the feedback
Monica Packer: even.
Dr. Mallory Yee: got was, wow,
Monica Packer: you
Dr. Mallory Yee: like handled
Monica Packer: that really well, like
Dr. Mallory Yee: stayed so
Monica Packer: mom,
Dr. Mallory Yee: I
Monica Packer: I dunno if I could have ever stayed that
Dr. Mallory Yee: when my kid pulled my
Monica Packer: clear. Um, so
Dr. Mallory Yee: That
Monica Packer: was, that was a learning opportunity
Dr. Mallory Yee: me
Monica Packer: that, you know, inside I'm beating myself up. I'm feeling
Dr. Mallory Yee: I could have handled that so much better.
Monica Packer: Like that was in perfect parenting,
Dr. Mallory Yee: But then
Monica Packer: then my friend Ben, with the feedback of like,
Dr. Mallory Yee: you
Monica Packer: handled that so well. Wow.
You
Dr. Mallory Yee: you
Monica Packer: kept your I
Dr. Mallory Yee: believe you kept your
Monica Packer: cool.
Dr. Mallory Yee: when faced with that.
Monica Packer: Um,
Dr. Mallory Yee: Um, so
Monica Packer: that was,
Dr. Mallory Yee: it
Monica Packer: it was
Dr. Mallory Yee: this
Monica Packer: realization of
Dr. Mallory Yee: I'm
Monica Packer: very hard on myself, but the outsiders point
Dr. Mallory Yee: is
Monica Packer: with that,
Dr. Mallory Yee: I'm actually doing okay.
Monica Packer: I ha I'm so glad you had that objective, you know, bystanders, I guess with the friends in your life to, to point out how [00:28:00] you were being too harsh on yourself. I think we all need that.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah,
Monica Packer: What about you, Laurie? Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: yeah. My examples may be the opposite, where
Monica Packer: Which I so appreciate too. Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: which I didn't
Monica Packer: Think I
Dr. Lori Long: being really
Monica Packer: harsh.
Dr. Lori Long: And then my husband's like, you're really harsh.
This was just a few days ago where, and I could think of a million examples, but, um, my daughter is just like, she's at the age where she's. Getting
Monica Packer: Attitude.
Dr. Lori Long: And No, and I don't wanna do it.
Monica Packer: And we
Dr. Lori Long: just like in this arguing match over her not wanting to follow
Monica Packer: were,
Dr. Lori Long: on go playing with the dog, which is like a chore that she has to do. we like,
Monica Packer: I'm raising my
Dr. Lori Long: I'm getting really frustrated, I'm getting really angry, and we're just
Monica Packer: heart.
Dr. Lori Long: Back and forth, right? she storms off. And my husband is like, you are really hard on her. Like you are really raising your voice. Like that was like, that [00:29:00] was not okay.
Monica Packer: Yeah,
Dr. Lori Long: And it was like a moment for me, the opposite of like,
Monica Packer: didn't.
Dr. Lori Long: Think I was like raising my voice. Right. And I think sometimes like we don't recognize our tones with our kids sometimes or
Monica Packer: How we're
Dr. Lori Long: are escalating.
Like we can't.
Monica Packer: Recognize it,
Dr. Lori Long: ourselves. And I started like reflecting back on that. I was like, oh wow, he's totally right and this is
Monica Packer: not how it should,
Dr. Lori Long: handle it. But I was really stressed, like I was feeling very stressed and in that mode,
Monica Packer: you know? Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: like let my emotions completely take over rather than like staying calm in that moment. Um. And again, like I had to go back into my daughter's room and she wanted nothing to do with me
Monica Packer: Mm.
Dr. Lori Long: Like, and what she really said was like, you're, you're angry at me. Like, that was what she was really upset about was that I've done something wrong and you're angry at me. And that feels very, very hard. [00:30:00] And that's where again, my, I had to apologize to her and take ownership of that, which relieved the shame of like. It's all about her because it's not all about her. It was a very much a lot about me and how I handled that moment, and it could have gone very differently had I been able to just remain con calm and follow through on a boundary versus getting into this kind of arguing match, which I think many of, many of the families in our community can probably relate to.
Monica Packer: What I love so much about both of your stories is that you are professionals. So to hear, oh, someone who has the literal training and helps people do this better, they make mistakes that is so validating and also is hope giving.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: goes back to the heart of what we're here today for to, to remind us that don't have to be a perfect parent to [00:31:00] be a good one, to be one of the very best parents. In fact. And I wanna end with a little bit more of that hope for them. Just some final thoughts that you may have for someone who's still stuck thinking, if I just settle for good that I'm not gonna be good enough for my kids.
Dr. Lori Long: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: is the opposite actually true? If you make space for being human, but being a good parent, how does that actually ultimately make you a better one? What would you say?
Dr. Lori Long: I mean, I think with our, the families that I work with and I do lots of evaluations for ADHD and um, a lot of times there's recommendations at the end of that and. A lot of times parents are like, well, I have to do all of these
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: I need to have them in occupational therapy and I need to do behavior therapy and I need to do this, that and the other.
And there's like four things. And I think many times when parents can't do all of those things because they have four
Monica Packer: Other children.
Dr. Lori Long: [00:32:00] Um, and they're living lives and they have kids in sports, they feel like I'm not doing enough.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: Impact their progress or who they are later on. And I think, you know, I would say to those families, like, you cannot do it all. Um, you just can't. And you have to take it one small step at a time. And that might just mean doing one thing right now. It might just mean going to the school and trying to get some supports in place. And that's all you do right now. okay. And that's great actually. Um, I think taking one thing at a time is honestly a lot of times better for our kids too, because they feel overwhelmed and overly stressed.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: And we are raising whole kids. We are raising kids who need to be playing, who need to be doing fun things, not to be in therapy every single day. Um. And just knowing like you don't need to do it all to be a good [00:33:00] parent. Um, very small steps is much better than trying to do it all at once and stressing everyone out in the family.
Monica Packer: That gave me a giant exhale. Thank you. It's something I still worry about all the time.
Dr. Lori Long: Oh, I'm
Monica Packer: The truth is you never do enough, right? You can never, you'll never do enough. That's really the truth.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Mallory, what would you say? Final thoughts?
Dr. Mallory Yee: Yeah. I'd say if I could just offer this mindset shift to parents is that being an imperfect parent is a gift to your child. It's showing your child that. Even the grownup that they idolize the most in the world messes up,
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Dr. Mallory Yee: Makes mistakes, and that there's still a path forward from that. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's not attached to your worth. Um, so being an imperfect parent is actually a gift to your child.
Monica Packer: Hmm. Thanks for making me tear up for the first time ever on the podcast. My [00:34:00] audience knows I'm a robot who never cries. So if I tear up, it's like full on weeping for someone else.
Dr. Lori Long: Um,
Monica Packer: Wow. Thank you both of you. I didn't mean this to be for me, but it was, and so I know because of that, it's going to help so many parents who are listening to this episode.
I always like to end with one final question, but before we do that, where should they go if they want to learn more from you?
Dr. Lori Long: We also have a podcast. So if you are listening to this podcast, our podcast is called Shining with ADHD. Um, we are also very active on Instagram at the Childhood Collective. And then we have a website, the childhood collective.com, where you can get lots of free resources and things like that.
And we do have a free guide we can give you. Um. Six keys to parenting a happy and independent child with ADHD, which just lots of tips and practical resources and information on small changes and small shifts you can make every day, um, that are the science has shown is [00:35:00] really helpful for kids with DH.
D.
Monica Packer: Fantastic. Thank you. We'll make sure to link to those things in the show notes. The final question we always end with is, what is one small way listeners can take action on what they learned today? And this is truly just a teeny tiny little thing that they can do.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah, I mean, I think I would say one thing that we've talked about a lot is just today and today you will make a mistake. Like you will make a mistake in your parenting, I guarantee it. Um, and you can practice apologizing to your child when you do, um, and practice taking responsibility for that and modeling that it's okay to make mistakes. That, that's how you can repair your relationship when you do so, when you make a, not if you make a mistake,
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Lori Long: a mistake today,
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Lori Long: I know you will, you can practice this.
Monica Packer: Fantastic. Mallory and Lori, I am so again and appreciative of your both wisdom, but [00:36:00] also your vulnerability.
I know that's such a catch word, but there's really no other way to say that. Thank you for being willing to share the hard today as well as the good. Um, and I, I, I, it's just given me that exhale. Like I said, I need it and I, and I know it will for so many other women. So I appreciate you and your time.
Dr. Lori Long: Yeah. We're so glad to be here. Thank you.
Dr. Mallory Yee: you, Monica.
Monica Packer: You guys did so well. It's been a long time since I've recorded more than one per.
I hope this episode gave you the hug and kick in the pants you need to grow. Before I share the progress pointers. Know that I was on shining with ADHD. That's Lori Mallory and their other partner, Katie's podcast that has become an indispensable resource for me as a mom with several children who have ADHD.
In it, we talked about the importance of self care, how it's not selfish, and the literal how to to make it happen, even as a very busy mom of kids who demand more than the norm. I've linked to it in the show notes, so you can take a listen to that interview and make sure you follow them [00:37:00] because they have such a great podcast.
Let's now share the progress pointers. These are the notes I took so you don't have to, and those in my newsletter, get them in a graphic form each week. You can sign up at about progress.com/newsletter, and the progress pointers I share here are the simplified version of what you will get in the newsletter.
Number one, perfection is not the goal of parenting. Connection is. Number two, mistakes are part of the parenting process. Number three, fear of getting parenting wrong often leads to doing nothing at all. Number four, you can't do it all as a parent,
so prioritize the small steps you can. And number five, being an imperfect parent is a gift.
Your do something challenge for this week is to apologize and repair with your child when you make a mistake.
If you do that, I would love to hear about it. You can email me at [email protected] or message message me on Instagram at about progress. [00:38:00] We have such big things coming in September. Make sure you sign up for the More for Mom's Conference. It is going to really change so much for so many women.
And I have to tell you, is becoming the collection of the best interviews I've ever experienced from my side of the screen, and has changed already so much for me. You can sign up at about progress.com/more for moms. This podcast is listener supported.
Members of the Supporters Club make my work with About Progress free and available to all, and they get access to three levels of exclusive benefits. From more time to more content with me, including my Private Premium podcast, more personal, you can support the show by signing up at about progress.com/support.
And you can always support the show for free. The best thing you can do right now is share the show with a friend. So copy the URL of this episode and send it to a friend. Thank you so much for listening. Now go and do something with what you learned [00:39:00] today.
As if we will, as if we criticize our messy as if, if we as if, as if we criticize our messy.
Hmm. As if we criticize our own messy goes of parenting before someone else can,