How to Find Yourself After the Kids Grow Up (Identity After Motherhood) || Coaching Call with Shelly
Apr 20, 2026
In a recent coaching session, Shelly shared her journey of grappling with shifting roles and the pressing question, "Who am I now?" This resonates with many women in transition, as life’s changes often unravel our established identities. The path to rediscovering ourselves doesn’t require an Eat, Pray, Love-type journey; instead, it’s about embracing small, meaningful actions that gradually rebuild our identity and trust.
Rediscovery is an ongoing process rooted in everyday exploration. Whether trying a new restaurant, journaling to capture your thoughts, or revisiting old hobbies, every choice strengthens your sense of self. In these small moments, you uncover who you truly are beyond the roles you’ve known. Embrace this season of transition as a space for growth and self-discovery.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica Packer: people often think it's like these really grand, almost metaphysical like revelations and internal conversations and self discoveries, or like an eat, pray, love journey. Which would be nice too, you know, but 99% of the time it's this stuff.
It's these small opportunities, these moments
Monica Packer: Hi, this is Monica Packer and you're listening to about progress where we are about progress made practical.
Have you ever reached a point in your life where things technically look good, but something feels off and that something feels like you? Perhaps the roles that wants to find you, mom, caretaker, the one everyone relied on have shifted and now you're left wondering, who am I?
Over the years, I have coached a great deal of women who are moving through this transition in their lives of being a stay at home mom, or the primary parent at home, and their kids growing up and flying the nest, and they are left in the nest wondering what life can look like now. And this transition often brings up multiple layers.
Layers that often surprise the very woman who is in the middle of it all. Today's episode is a coaching call with one such woman named Shelly. She is in that season of transition. Her kids are now grown. Her life is changing, and for the first time in decades, Shelly is finally seeing some space open up for herself, but she's not quite sure what to do with that time, and she's also not sure how she feels about it.
What Unfolds is a very honest, layered coaching session about identity people pleasing shoulds and what it looks like to start listening to yourself again. As you listen, I don't want you to just hear Shelly's story. I want you to insert yourself into it and see how it can relate to your own life regardless of what is shifting inside of it.
This conversation starts with something that I know so many of us feel at some point, even if we aren't in the exact same season as Shelly, and that is, I don't really know who I am now. like Shelly, you will learn how to listen to yourself again, how to loosen the grip of shoulds and how to rebuild your identity from the inside out.
If as you listen, you think of someone who would love this episode, i'd so appreciate it if you could share it with them in real time. That coaching session is coming up after a quick break for our sponsors.
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Monica Packer: How about you tell me what, what made you interested in the coaching call
Shelly: you know, I am kind of at that stage of life where, . My youngest actually just went off to college. So I've got kids that range from 30 down to 18.
Hmm. And, um, so, you know, this is kind of my. First time in like 30 years. Yeah. That it's really just kind of me to focus on.
Monica Packer: Okay.
Shelly: And, just kind of struggling not having to take care of someone full-time anymore. I mean, not that I've had to take care of my youngest full-time in a while anyway, but it's, you know, it's just kind.
Weird. I'll say.
Monica Packer: Yeah. It's a big shift.
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: Okay. So you're kind of here in a transition time in your life.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Yeah. But it's not just about a transition of what you were doing with your day-to-day life. It's a transition in other ways it sounds like.
Shelly: Yeah. You know, I'm, you know, I'm still working full-time and, um, you know, married, but it's obviously a different kind of, .
Situation than being full-time mom all the time. Mm-hmm. So do you feel like the transition is making you feel like an, an inner transition too? Like you're trying to figure out like, who am I now in this new phase? Yeah. Or is it not that deep? No, I would say it is. Um, you know, and not only has it been that, it's also the body.
Changes as well because menopause hit and Yeah. You know, any kind of bizarre, um, symptom I could have from that. It seems like I did, so. Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.
Monica Packer: Yeah. So, so many changes at once. Mm-hmm. Okay. So if you were to put this in a question, I know that may be hard to do, but it's really insightful. Like if you were to put this conundrum, this puzzle that you're kind of going through in a question mm-hmm. What would that question be? Um, it's, you know, probably fairly simple as in who am I now?
Yeah, it's a big question. How would you have defined yourself before? Um, you know, many roles, obviously. Um, you know, mom, wife, employee. Okay. Um, daughter, sister, lifelong learner,
definitely
Shelly: a role for me, so.
Monica Packer: Okay.
All right. Of, of those ones you've listed all, but one was a role slash a responsibility. Mm-hmm. You know, so mom, wife, uh, I think you said employee worker. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. So this is something that happens a lot to us as women, especially because we value those things so much and they're important.
Mm-hmm. They're what life is about, right? Yeah. But when those things shift. Then it's almost like the rug is, you know, taken out from under us. It's like we lose that, that touchstone, that bearing. Mm-hmm. Okay. So I think what we wanna help you start working on today, 'cause I know it's just one call, so mm-hmm.
I'm gonna try to figure out how we can start. You like, okay, pointing in the right direction and head at the right direction. If there was an ex marks a spot of where you're headed. Mm-hmm. It's how to define yourself outside of your roles and responsibilities.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And how you would describe yourself, even, you know, define and describe yourself, not because those roles and responsibilities don't matter, but so that you can bring your true self to them.
Because in many ways, I mean, you are still a mom, you are still a wife, you are still a worker, that this is just shooken up a little bit. Right? So the way I like to look at it is, I don't know if you've ever seen a gothic cathedral, you know, like the beautiful high cathedrals that they have, but they're so high, there's so much mm-hmm.
Piled on top of them. They have to have all these buttresses support them. And that's kind of how I see. Women in general, like we, we have so much adding up to who we are. Right. But we also have, and, and what we have to do, like all of our responsibilities that we have, these buttresses that prop us up, mom, wife, mm-hmm.
Worker, like these ways that we're like giving sense and structure to all of that. Mm-hmm. And then if they get challenged or shaken up or even taken away, then the whole structure just feels shaky. So what I wanna help you do is kind of shore up the foundation, not so that the buttresses like aren't needed.
Mm-hmm. Or that they don't matter, but so that your own stability is less dependent on them staying the exact same way.
Shelly: That's a great analogy. Yeah.
Monica Packer: Okay. So this is, we can go a lot of different directions. Um, I'm an, I'm an identity and habits coach, so we go both deep and practical, but this one feels like more of like the deep, um, way we need to go.
But with that we can do some practical stuff. Um. I define identity as knowing who you are and what matters to you. Mm-hmm. And who you are is like what you value, what your priorities are, um, what matters to you is includes what you want and who you want to be. A lot of identity is really that last part.
Who do you want to be. So, let's see if you can start there. Like, if I were to ask you that, who do you want to be? Like, how would you want. To be described from the outside looking in, removed from the roles and responsibilities.
Shelly: you know, I guess if I were to say how I would want to be described, it would be, basically a very loving, loving. Hardworking, supportive, helpful person.
Monica Packer: Okay. Anything else?
Shelly: Um, there's no wrong or right answer here. Yeah. Just so you know. I mean, that's, I'm not judging your answers at all. Yeah, no, that's, that's what I would say comes to mind. Okay. Loving, hardworking, supportive, helpful.
Monica Packer: Beyond that, what would you say if, if you were to almost imagine someone looking at your life that you love mm-hmm. And they love you. Like they, they know you, they see you. How would they describe what matters to you? Definitely my family. Mm-hmm.
Shelly: learning.
Monica Packer: As
Shelly: well. that's, I mean, that's not only been what I've done, but it's also something that I, I just love to do.
So, I mean those are, I guess those are the key things I would say
Monica Packer: Uhhuh,
Shelly: that somebody would probably say.
Monica Packer: Okay, great. Also, what interests would they say you have?
Shelly: Reading.
Monica Packer: Mm.
Shelly: I'm always reading. In fact, looking at your bookshelves. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of me.
Monica Packer: Oh, fun. Yeah. I know. One of my top five values is learning too.
Shelly: Yeah. So, um,
Monica Packer: reading.
Shelly: Yeah, so reading I love to do. I, I do cross stitch.
Monica Packer: Oh, fun.
Shelly: love to watch sports.
Monica Packer: Mm.
Shelly: Um, you know, just love to be outside.
Monica Packer: Yeah. Okay.
Hey, I just asked you some good questions. You know, that I think you were able to, you know, I work with some women who don't really know answers to any of those questions, so it's great that you have answers, you know? Um, are there any holes in those three kind of categories I brought up that you're like, huh.
I feel like there could be more there that I'd like to explore. So it's who you want to be, what matters to you, what you're interested in.
Shelly: I don't know. It's, it's, I'm one of those people that I don't feel like I've ever really had these big overarching goals. Mm-hmm. Um. Not that there haven't been things that I've wanted to accomplish or whatever, but, you know, I hear people talk sometimes about, oh, you know, I wanna do this or that in my life.
And, um, I don't know, I guess I've just kind of set goals as things have come along and sometimes things had, you know, changed. So you know, that's one of those things when people talk about goals and that kind of thing, I've always kind been kind of like, well, I don't know that I really have any, um, or I met them already maybe so. So, yeah, I don't know that there's necessarily anything that I feel is missing.
Monica Packer: So when you talk about, you know, how other people tend to have more goals, is that something that you feel like you, you should have, like, that's a whole of my life.
Like I, I I should have that? Or is it like, I, I wish I did.
Shelly: Um, probably more of a should. Mm-hmm. Um, shoulds have have been something that have been kind of a. A driver, I would say in my life, because I am, I am the oldest of four daughters, and so I have always felt kind of like I have this responsibility and have definitely been a perfectionist and a people pleaser throughout my life.
Mm-hmm. And so those shoulds have been a struggle for me in many facets of life, I would say. Can you target a few for me? Um, you know, one would be weight, for example, you know, um, you know what to do as far as, especially now at this stage of my life. Um, just le you know, listening to what all the experts say and not necessarily listening to myself.
Monica Packer: Got it.
Shelly: Um, I felt like I was driven a lot by the shoulds right there.
Monica Packer: Hmm.
Shelly: And so, uh, and even getting married or within the marriage or both? Both.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. Both.
Shelly: And then deciding. Ultimately to get a divorce. I mean, it was, it was like super hard for me.
But yeah. I felt like a lot of the shoulds were dictating all of it.
Monica Packer: Sounds like that took a lot of courage
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: To
Shelly: recognize
Monica Packer: Yeah. You know, that that wasn't right for you.
Shelly: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And looking back, you know, there was, there were signs that I saw and, um, ignored.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Shelly: I would say, but um, I didn't listen to my, my intuition.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: So,
Monica Packer: so what I hear is less of like, if you were to really get to the heart of who you are, there's less of this like drive to have to be setting goals and achievements and it's more about this desire to better listen to yourself.
Shelly: I would say so, yeah. I'm, I'm now 58 years old and it's like I shouldn't really care what anyone else thinks at this stage of my life.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: So,
Monica Packer: so to listen to yourself, you have to also know yourself.
Shelly: Mm-hmm. And
Monica Packer: when you know yourself, you can also trust yourself, which helps you listen to yourself. Mm-hmm. It's kind of like a chicken and the egg.
Shelly: Yeah,
Monica Packer: the egg. Which thing comes first? And it's just kind of like that, that answer to that, that chicken and the egg question, which comes first?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: We don't really know. Okay. But as you try to know yourself better, then you'll also learn how to trust yourself better. Mm-hmm. Also, as you listen to yourself, maybe you'll get to know yourself better. As you trust yourself better, then you'll be able to listen to yourself more. It, it can feed itself in ways that.
You don't have to exactly have this exact order mm-hmm. Of how to do it all in terms of that cycle, as long as you are trying to be in it.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Does that appeal to you or make sense to you?
Shelly: Yeah. Is there
Monica Packer: any part of that that scares you?
Shelly: I mean, I've always been someone that has been a little, um. Scared or nervous.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Shelly: Um, and again, that has probably dictated too much of my life as well, not wanting to try things, but, um
Monica Packer: Okay.
Shelly: That is something I would say though, that has, has gotten somewhat better as I've gotten older.
Monica Packer: Yeah. I mean, we open this conversation talking about the not fun stuff that comes with this age.
Right. But one of the best parts maybe is, is this what you're saying? Is this, this, uh, ability maybe longing, um, push to remove those outside voices to listen more to your own. Okay.
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: So we were talking about the beginning too, how we wanna kind of put an X Marxist spot of where you're headed. And we talked about like, it's about, um, being able to answer that question, who am I now?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Now we have a bit of a path on how to get you there, and it's that chicken and the egg kind of cycle of trying to find ways for you to listen to yourself and know yourself and trust yourself. And there's a few ways that can happen and kind of talking more practically now.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: The first is just moment to moment.
It's having a general awareness of. That little niggling thought you have and just trying to pay more attention to it.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Or having a decision where you, you have to make a decision and you're trying to be like, well, what do I know I need? Or how can I trust myself in this decision? And then what I actually want?
So it's kind of a moment by moment thing of, of. Of building each part of that. I guess it's more of a triangle than a cycle, really. Um mm-hmm. And bolstering that, so moment to moment is one way. How does that sound to you?
Shelly: Yeah, that's, um, I would say I have not in the past trusted myself enough. Mm-hmm. Um, definitely could have changed some things.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: If I had, um. Again, it kind of goes back to the shoulds that I have probably relied too much on external individuals thinking, oh, they're the experts. They're gonna know better rather than mm-hmm. Listening to myself. And so, yeah. Um, moment to moment would, uh, would be good.
Monica Packer: It's kind of just like, you know, any muscle you have to.
Strengthen it in order for you to even see it and know it's there. Mm-hmm. And to become useful. Mm-hmm. So that moment to moment opportunity is just like a rep, you know? So like every time you notice a chance to ask yourself, what do I know I need? Or what is more me? That's a rep?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Like, what do I actually want that's a rep?
How can I trust myself to make this decision? You know, so like, that's just what we're looking for.
Shelly: Okay,
Monica Packer: okay. Because like right now, the pieces of that triangle may be pretty like disparate, like just far apart. Mm-hmm. And as we're trying to, as we're doing one rep, one rep, like they're just gonna slowly start coming back together and clinking into place better for you.
Okay. And as you're doing that, you're still, you're moving towards that, that x marks the spot of answering the question, who am I now?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Because the answers just come with every single rep. It's less like you have to know now today, like, answer that question and it's more of, I, I'm figuring it out as I go.
Does that give you a little bit more of a path? Yeah, I think so. Um, you know, I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself and expect a lot from myself. And so, oftentimes if I, if I. Don't feel sure or confident, then I hesitate and, and doubt myself.
Yeah. Well, I mean, you have so much self-awareness though.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Which is, that's key to everything. We start with awareness. Okay. So even those moments, the moment to moment path, that's only possible with awareness. You know, recognizing you have an opportunity in the moment and taking it. Where and how you can imperfectly, messily. Yeah.
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Monica Packer: Okay. Alright. Um, the other part of this path I think is one of self-discovery and as part of that, a sort of reclamation of your life.
'cause this point in your life, I've, I've worked with many women who are at the same shift and like we said, it's like the. I lost the word. Is it Ballies? What did I say the support is for the cathedral.
Shelly: Yeah. Um,
Monica Packer: I, I'm going back to my humanities class in college because a ballies, anyway, those supports, you know, yeah.
They, they're shaken up or they removed. Mm-hmm. Um, it's can be a scary thing, you know, like, it's like you're seeing that inner core kind of sway, but it's also a time of possibility. It's a time to get real clarity on that foundation and make it better, and also make the, the core of the building like better.
So as scary as it is, it's also an opportunity and as part of that to reclaim your life as your own, especially if you've lived so much of it based off of. Trying to perform and to meet expectations and to basically meet other people's goals instead of creating your own. I think that's why you have that kind of question mark.
It's less about like, that's my personalities. I need to be a goal maker. And it's more of, acknowledging that you, you weren't making your own, you were abiding by other, what you thought you should. Mm-hmm. What the goals should be, the standards. Mm-hmm. So it's more of like, I'm gonna reclaim what I want my life to look and feel like and who I am.
And because of that reclamation, I'll have a steady foundation so that the other supports can be there, but I can bring who I am to them instead of relying on them to support how I see myself.
Does it, does that shift anything about how you're seeing this time, or does that feel like too far out, like too far removed, like not really possible to see it in terms of possibility?
Shelly: No. It, it does. It's, um, you know, while this is. This is a transition. Yes. It, yeah, it's both, it is both a little scary, but also exciting.
Okay. You know, that I, that I don't, you know, necessarily have to take others into account as to what I want to do now.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: Um, as much as, you know, you got little kids running around.
Monica Packer: Yes. Okay.
Shelly: It's just been so long since it's, you know, just been me to mm-hmm. Kind of focus on that. It's, it's, uh, Very rusty.
Monica Packer: It's like an atrophy, a, a, an atrophied muscle, right? Yes. And maybe you didn't even truly have that as much of a kid. I mean the oldest of four kids and
Shelly: mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And, and, and identifying that you've always tended to be more about fulfilling your responsibilities and been more of a perfectionist and a people pleaser, maybe that muscles just ever even had a chance to
Shelly: reveal itself.
Yeah, I mean, I, you know, I basically. Left home for college, got married right after college, so, you know, there was never really just me.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Shelly: I mean, I'm married now, so it's not like it's just me either, but
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: Um, but it's But in a different way.
Monica Packer: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's big. So I want, as part of this path, we're taking the advantage of the moment to mom, opportunities to bolster that triangle of self, of listening to yourself, knowing yourself, trusting yourself.
Okay. Um, and as part of that path, having this moment of possibility, of self discovery, of exploration, of reclamation and how that can actually be exciting. Fun even.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Is there anything that is already on top? Like top comes top of mind that you're like, oh, that, like that could be a thing that helps me explore.
That's something I've always wondered about or I've been drawn to and wanted to try or do.
Shelly: Not really. Um,
Monica Packer: yeah,
Shelly: I mean, I'm fairly open for the most part. Okay. Um. Obviously I would like to, you know, travel a little more. Okay. Do some of those kinds of things. Um, that's always contingent upon money, um,
Monica Packer: darn it.
Shelly: And with the youngest in college and having to pay for a good portion of that, you know, there's not a lot of, of extra of that, but,
Monica Packer: um, yeah. I feel you on that.
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: But some form of traveling.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Um, what's the core of that? If it weren't just about like being able to go on airplanes, what's the core of that that you're drawn to?
Shelly: Just, um, being able to see other places and things that I just have not experienced.
Monica Packer: Okay.
Shelly: You know, like I said, I, I grew up like maybe an hour away from where I'm at, and this is really as far as I've gotten.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: Not that I haven't traveled to other places, but, um.
You know, it's just seeing what else is out there and experiencing some of that. I mean, like my oldest son, he is, working on his, his grad degree and he is, um. He is probably going to the Netherlands next fall on a study abroad program.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: And I'm just like, that is, that is so cool. And I'm like, I did not have the confidence to be able to do something like that at at his age. So, you know, I look at things like that and okay. I'm like, yeah, I was too scared to do things like that. And. Love that he's doing that and has the opportunity.
Monica Packer: Do you feel too scared to do that now for yourself?
Shelly: Um, I don't know that I would do it by myself.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Shelly: Um, you know, I have traveled some places within the United States, for example. Um. For work by myself and that's been fine. Yeah. Going to a completely new country, that probably would be a little scary for me. Yes. If
Monica Packer: it was
Shelly: by myself.
Monica Packer: Well, sure. I mean, yeah. I just did that for my first time ever last fall and I was like up for a month before worrying about it, so I to I totally get that.
So I'm less about, I'm less about you going on your own and more about. Ex exploring for yourself? Like does that scare you? Mm-hmm. Even if you're with somebody or does that feel appealing to you? Or both?
Shelly: I think I'm, I'm more comfortable with that. Yeah.
Monica Packer: Okay.
Shelly: So,
Monica Packer: and the reason I asked what the core of the traveling is for you is because even without you being able to go to the Ne Netherlands, say, right, there's a desire to see other places. And to explore.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Seems like there may be like an, uh, an adventure kernel in you.
Shelly: Yeah. I don't know if it's just, you know, growing up in Nebraska and, you know, we're kind of landlocked and um
Monica Packer: mm-hmm.
Shelly: We don't have the mountains, the oceans or any of that kind of stuff here. Great place to raise family. Yeah. But, um, yeah, so just, you know, seeing some of the things that. I did not grow up with and appreciating it.
Monica Packer: So could you do that without getting on an airplane?
Shelly: Yeah, I mean we, um, we've taken vacations most summers where we drive to someplace and, um, in fact my vacation this summer, we'll probably be, um, my youngest son has a paid internship. Fond du Lac Wisconsin.
Monica Packer: Oh,
Shelly: neat. So that's probably the o only way I'm gonna see much of him at all this summer.
So we were probably driving there.
Monica Packer: I love that.
Shelly: And visiting a few other places. I don't know, there around there or whatever.
Monica Packer: Okay. So that's
Shelly: fun.
Monica Packer: You have like a trip coming up.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Um, one other suggestion I may, offer up to you is. To try to find ways that you can still tap into seeing and experiencing new things.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: Close to home. Um, and I'm not saying that to like pat you on the head about that, you know, but just more the, the core of this desire is, is something that still can be met in different ways.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Whether it's, you know, on a Saturday going to a town nearby that you've never been to or. Trying a new spot for lunch or going to a different library, um, taking a different walk.
I mean, I know these sound like very small examples, but if we're going with that muscle example too, like these are ways that we can begin to strengthen what the core is of what you desire there to just go a little out of your comfort zone.
Shelly: Mm-hmm. Um, you know, I think we get too stuck in a rut many times.
Monica Packer: Of course.
Shelly: So, yeah, I like that idea.
Monica Packer: So that can be part of a moment to moment thing. It's like noticing an opportunity to step out of your comfort zone and to kind of explore, to lean into that adventurous side. Or it can be something you literally put on the calendar, like you just say, oh, this Saturday.
Hey, I'm going to this town. Mm-hmm. Or I think I go to, to this different library or try this spot to eat or go downtown and just walk around and explore the town like I live in, in a different way. Like I've seen new things all the time. In my little town, I turn a corner. I'm like, I've never seen the street before.
I've never seen these houses. I didn't know that business existed. You know, stuff like that.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Okay. All right, so this is kind of one. Core of yourself. I think we're beginning to kind of see, maybe we can explore the sense of adventure, maybe.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Okay. Initially you weren't, you had an answer in a way that you didn't think you did, which is interesting 'cause you said like, I don't, don't really know.
And then you said, and then you went into traveling more. Is there anything else that, this is kind of spring, other ideas of, of what you could. Discovered what you could lean into possibility reclamation, like, uh, something you've been always interested in or wanting to pick back up again.
Shelly: Um, you know, growing up I was, you know, I was big into reading.
I still, you know, I still do that all the time. In fact, I'm in the middle of reading two books right now. Uh, 'cause those library books always come. But at the same time, I'm reading something else. I still do that. I've always, I've always liked to write
and I have started lately just. Part, part of it was just because I was trying to change my morning habit. 'cause I would, you know, get out of bed, grab the phone, and then I'd start getting irritated with everything. Um, so I've changed up my morning habit somewhat and part of that does include just writing at least a couple of things down.
Um, I love that. I do my, yeah, I do my exercises and, um, I'll listen to some. Meditations or, or those types of things. And I've been trying to like pick one word that stands out, but then I've just been, just no pressure on myself, but just writing down at least a few sentences of just whatever may be on my mind or whatever.
Um, so I'm getting a little bit more into kind of the journaling. Um,
Monica Packer: awesome.
Shelly: I had at one point in time started. And I haven't gotten back to it in quite a while, but, um, I had started to to just write out kind of my life story and this was more just for my kids.
Monica Packer: Yes.
Shelly: Um, so that's something I would, I do wanna get back to, I, you know, it's on my computer, but I just, um, it's just gotten pushed to the wayside with other things.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. So now we have a very practical way for you to explore yourself more too.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: But that would be more introspective. I find that those projects Yeah, they, they're so pressing. Right. But they also are really easy to dismiss because of, to-dos. Mm-hmm. Right. So if it helps, we can think of a way to make that a habit, if you'd like, but for now we can, you know, write that down as like a, a practical way to explore this part of you.
Shelly: Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like the big huge to of pictures that I have that I keep saying that I'm gonna pull those out from under the stairs and start, um, dividing them up and,
Monica Packer: oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah,
Shelly: I haven't gotten around to doing that yet either.
Monica Packer: You know, I keep saying I'm in a scrapbook and I never get to it either, but, and I'm a habits identity coach, so it's okay.
Shelly: Yeah,
Monica Packer: but I like that too. I'm writing that down still as something that we can think of. What about that appeals to you though? Why, why does that appeal to you to go through your photos?
Shelly: Part of it, I mean, I did go through some of 'em last year when we were having my, my son's graduation party.
I love the memories of everything for one thing. it's also one of those things that, You know, I want the kids to have some of their memories and pictures from when they were younger as well, and not leave a big, not leave a big mess for them to have to deal with at some point in time when I mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: When I
Shelly: pass.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm. So, okay. So I'm gonna teach you just something really quick because I know that you can be pretty, should bound. Mm-hmm. And I'm sure you've heard like, don't should on yourself, remove the shoulds, like, but that's not very practical.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: To life. There are a lot of things we should do and need to do and don't wanna do, and we still have to do it.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Like going to work sometimes. Yeah. Or emptying the garbage or. Cleaning the dishes or exercising, you know, stuff like that. There's ways for us to choose our shoulds though.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: So, I, I'm identifying there's a little bit of a should there with the photos, right. Of not wanting to leave your kids a mess and all that, but we're, we don't need to remove that.
Should we can choose it and from a different place.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Like, this matters to me, not just, so I don't wanna leave my kids with a mess, but it matters to me because. It's a way for me to connect with them.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: It's a way for us to build, like this family legacy, to have to have memories together that are collective and shared.
And when I own that, then that can direct how I move about these shoulds. Mm-hmm. So maybe that means for you, like I don't have to have like 20 scrapbooks for every year that we've ever had. Had a child, you know, it can be more, I have different Tupperware containers for each kid, and the photos are thrown in each one for now.
Mm-hmm. Like divided up. Like you, you get to decide more what it looks like.
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: Does that give you any clarity on
Shelly: mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: On what that could look like for you?
Shelly: Yeah. Um,
Monica Packer: if you were to choose that should of going through your photos
Shelly: mm-hmm. I know it's just a big project and so I know that's why I keep procrastinating on it. But, um, yeah, my thought was kind of to initially do multiple passes of it, but I'd love that. Throw out, throw out those, those photos that are. Blurry and bad.
Monica Packer: Sure.
Shelly: And
Monica Packer: yes.
Shelly: I think part of my struggle with it is, you know, my oldest kids, especially back in the day, used to go to like the photo studio kind of a thing, and you'd buy the package.
And so I have umpteen numbers of pictures of them. Mm-hmm. Just various poses.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Shelly: In various sizes. And to throw something like that away is hard for me. 'cause I tend to be fairly sentimental.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: So, you know, I think maybe that's probably part of my historical and my procrastination with it. I mean, it's, it's, yeah.
Decision making tool, I, yeah, I mean, it's gonna be fairly easy just to throw out those blurry
Monica Packer: mm-hmm.
Shelly: You know, kinds of photos that. That'll be easy, but yeah. Then it starts to get more difficult.
Monica Packer: Well, I can imagine going through that and, and if you're still keeping more of the core of why this matters to you mm-hmm.
Connection memories, maybe that will help you make those decisions better, or if not, if the decisions are easier, maybe you'll still have more of the bandwidth and capacity to do it because you know why it matters to you.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: There's another thing you can do. It's called pairing. You know, where you try to make this blah task feel better by adding in music or having a show you love on the background.
They, you don't necessarily have to pay Aton attention to, or a good audio book or a podcast. You love a candle lit. You can treat yourself after literally like. Pop in a piece of dark chocolate. I don't know. Like
Shelly: yeah,
Monica Packer: there's ways to, to kind of make it so your brain gets tricked into doing it too, and so it likes it as well, so it won't be so resistant to doing it again.
So that's something to consider as well.
Shelly: Yeah, that's good. I like that.
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Monica Packer: okay, so we got a little bit of more clarity on that one in particular. Okay. So we've got. Traveling. We've got writing slash journaling, uh, documenting your life story, uh, photos. Anything else that would help you lean into this self-discovery part of your path?
Shelly: Um,
Monica Packer: anything calling to you?
Shelly: I mean, I'm learning, like I said, has always been a big thing for me, Uhhuh. It's um, whether it's been professional or. Personal, so you know. That's why I've, I feel like I've been like a Summit Junkie over the last few years because
Monica Packer: such a great way to learn, huh?
Shelly: It is, but then it becomes a little overwhelming because Sometimes I, I feel that I am more of, a consumer in that I'm like trying to get all of this stuff, you know, kind of like that adrenaline rush.
But then I don't often always do anything with some of it.
Monica Packer: Yeah. Okay,
Shelly: so,
Monica Packer: so it's less about the actual learning and it's more about the application.
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: And maybe this is even that small internal shift we were just talking about. Learning really matters to me. So if I really wanna move through these, um, sessions, you know, or these courses I've bought or anything like that, how can I choose that?
Should, like I, I chose it initially 'cause I got it, but then how can I make sure, like I, I remember why it actually matters to me. And I can pair that task as well, so I can move through it. But we can also think more about the application side too.
Shelly: Yeah. 'cause sometimes it's, um, I. I feel like there's an issue in my life or a problem or something that I'm trying to solve.
And so, you know, I'm always like looking for books or websites on this or that topic or whatever. And so then, you know, there's, there's great interest at the time and then it kind of dies off after
Monica Packer: a
Shelly: while. Yeah.
Monica Packer: Wow. Okay. I feel like this is connecting back to. What you were talking about earlier, about leading so much of your life based off of other prescriptions, right?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And this desire you have to, to make your own prescriptions, you know, to lead your own life. And perhaps what the application for you can be less about. What are they telling me that I should be doing and how I should be doing it, and which is the right way? And more about taking the information in and asking yourself, which of this is right for me?
Or how can I make that right for me? Or what if this is not right for me? Like to trust yourself even as you're taking in the information to like have that kind of moment
Shelly: mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Where you get to practice that trust muscle or the know yourself muscle or listen to yourself muscle where you're thinking like, is that like what, what if that is right for me and how and how would I do it?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And maybe that can change the application for you.
Shelly: Yeah. For a long time I felt like, you know, I was doing whatever to try to fix myself per se.
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Shelly: Um, I feel I've relaxed a little with that over the last few years. Mm-hmm. But, um, that was kind of a big driver.
Monica Packer: So what if the driver were to be more about how to know yourself and how to help and support yourself instead of changing yourself or fixing yourself?
Shelly: Yeah.
Monica Packer: And that's, um, because we all need to change. We all need to grow, but less about, yeah. Fixing. Mm-hmm.
Shelly: Yeah. And I, yes, I would say that's, that's the, um, the goal. I'm just, I guess, not quite sure how to do that.
Monica Packer: Mm-hmm.
Shelly: Oftentimes,
Monica Packer: so this is where I feel like that learning one, since it's such a driver in your life mm-hmm.
And it's something that you already make time for and prioritize. This can turn into a moment to moment, moment opportunity.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: To really try to lean into learning in a different way or for a different purpose.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And applying things. Ways that are helping you with that, that trust, muscle that we're working on.
Mm-hmm. And just kind of see how that is. That's gonna be a little uncomfortable and new to you, but I think if you'd start that way, that might be still a safe place.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: To do it and
Shelly: practically
Monica Packer: to be comfortable. How do I do that?
Shelly: Then? What are the steps or.
Monica Packer: Well, unfortunately, practically it starts internally even while you're learning.
Like, so maybe while you're learning you can ask yourself like, of these summit classes, which one actually appeals to me?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Which ones do I actually want to learn from? Instead of it by being like, do I have to check off every box that I watched every class? Okay. So it can start as simple as that internal framing of, of asking what am I drawn to?
What do I actually want to learn? And then when you're taking the class, it's still that internal side of of asking, which of this resonates with me? What feels right to me? And then after you're taking the session or the course or whatever it is online that you're learning from to say, how do I wanna apply this?
Or What would be, what would be a good way for me to apply this for my life? Like it's kind of just. It's like a twist on the The internal framework.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: And then you have the opportunity to practically do something on the outside with application that may be different than an norm for you. Less about like trying to meet the expectations and the prescriptions and more about defining your own and then doing it.
Shelly: And I think I have gotten a bit better with that because
Monica Packer: yeah.
Shelly: There have been some summits that I've done in the past that I've not done this year. Just, you know, fin that's like, I didn't have the bandwidth or I didnt want to invest my time or money. Um, so, you know, I think I have, that's great. Kind of maybe identified the key ones that I'm.
Typically most interested in good. And, and in the past too. I have been, yeah. I've been like, okay, I invested the money in this, therefore I need to make sure that I watch all of 'em or I do all of it or, or whatever. Um, so I, I feel
Monica Packer: I have's awesome.
Shelly: Eased up a little with that.
Monica Packer: Good. Okay. Well that's the first big step.
So I would say continue on, but then as you're listening and applying now, let's just take that a little step further.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Okay. Okay. Of letting yourself lead what matters from what you're learning and how to apply it in a way that actually is right for you. Okay. Alright, so let's, let's see how that goes.
That's kind of, that's fun. You have like a built-in moment to moment opportunity with that one. Is there anything that you see other people do and you think, I wish I could do that, or I wish I made time for that, or I wish I knew how to, or just like kind of I wish feeling,
Shelly: um, well, I always wish for more money.
Monica Packer: Who among us does not. Yeah.
Shelly: When I, when I see other people taking trips or doing things, I'm like, oh, I wish I,
Monica Packer: yes, of course.
Shelly: Um,
I don't know that there's really anything else there that I would Okay. I would say so then I would say we have a good, oh, yeah. I was gonna say, we have a good starting place then I feel like you've got a good foundation on. Mm-hmm. This is, do you see how this is all part of, like that foundation we're trying to rebuild?
Monica Packer: Yeah. So this is what's so funny about, you know, exploring and identity work is people often think it's like these really grand, almost metaphysical like revelations and internal conversations and self discoveries, or like an eat, pray, love journey. Which would be nice too, you know, but 99% of the time it's this stuff.
It's these small opportunities, these moments that build up. Mm-hmm. This sense of self and who we really are and what matters to us. So we're not, we're not, you know, doing the padding on the head, like patronizing thing and saying like, start here. Like this is all you can do. So start here. It's like, no, this is actually what.
Most of that foundation is gonna be made up of anyway.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: So let's, let's challenge you a bit to lean in. Okay. Um, we, we've got a couple starting places. I'm gonna remind you what they are and then I want you to ask you like, which one do you feel like I wanna lean into that more first, or I wanna prioritize that area first.
So we've got exploring slash adventuring more. In general.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Writing through journaling and documenting your life story, going through your photos and organizing them, , and learning in a new way.
Shelly: Um, the one I think that probably excites me the most is the exploring. Yeah. The first one we had talked about.
Monica Packer: Love it. How do you think you wanna do that?
Shelly: Starting to, to look at some of the things just here in my city or neighboring areas that I've not been to and just, um, starting with that, I would say,
Monica Packer: okay, I'm gonna push you to get even more specific 'cause I wanna give you Okay. We've talked about where you're headed.
We've talked about the path. Now I wanna give you your first stepping stone.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: So within your city or neighboring, is, is there something that you're like, huh, I'm curious about that, that place or that store or that path or that street or that town, that business, that food. Like, let's try to pick something
Shelly: well, there's been a restaurant that I've wanted to check out. it's a Mexican place that's a couple of miles away that I've heard good things about.
Monica Packer: Okay. Let's start there.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: When do you wanna do it? I'm getting even more specific with you.
Shelly: I'd say within the month.
Monica Packer: Okay. And how do you think you can ensure that's being prioritized? Like, I don't know if you're a calendar girl or if you are an accountability girl, like you need someone to come with you, or,
Shelly: I, I am a calendar girl. I have a planner, so it's gonna go on, it's gonna go on the planner to, uh, pick the date and uh, get it done.
Monica Packer: Great. Okay. Here's what I want you to do. We're taking the first step, first stepping stone. Put it on your calendar.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: And then you can take a picture and send it to me.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: And then, whenever someone comes for a free call, um, I always say like, please let me know how it goes.
Like I mm-hmm. Can't coach you through email or anything like that, but I still wanna help be that person you can check in on and let, and let me know how it goes for you. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. So please do that for me. Um, 'cause I'd love to hear not just like about the calendar. I'd love to hear how it goes.
And then if you're finding other moment to moment ways or even through these categories to come back to that core building. And it's not necessarily a whole rebuilding, right? It's kind of like peeking behind the drywall and seeing like, oh yeah, that's there. Oh, that's sturdy.
That's, that's intact. That's a little, that there's a weak point there. Let's, let's, let's make sure that's fleshed out a little bit better. Supported better. Mm-hmm. Or that's the whole new, there's a whole new wing I didn't even know was there. Like, there's a whole other part of me that needs to be explored and build up and lived in.
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Okay. Um, okay. 'cause that's what's gonna help us get to that target of answering, who am I now?
Shelly: Mm-hmm.
Monica Packer: Beyond your roles and responsibilities. This is a really needed conversation. Just so you know, like this happens. I think every woman goes through this no matter how in tune she's tried to live her life and how like independent of shoulds that she's made it 'cause they're so sneaky, especially with our roles and responsibilities.
'cause they do matter so much. Mm-hmm. So you're not alone in this. Um, is there anything you wanna make sure you remember from this conversation?
Shelly: Just picking from each of those different areas and, uh,
Monica Packer: yeah.
Shelly: And, uh, moving forward with it. So it's gonna go on, it's gonna go on the planner.
Monica Packer: Great. Love it. Okay. Um, check in with me and let me know that, how that goes.
Shelly: Okay.
Monica Packer: Thanks Shelly. Okay. I'll stop the recording here. That was awesome.
I hope this episode gave you the hug and kick in the pants you need to grow. I'll now share the progress pointers. These are the notes I take so you don't have to, and those on my newsletter, get them in a graphic form each week. You can sign up at about progress.com/newsletter, and this one is going to be a lot more expanded in the actual graphic.
I definitely think you should sign up to get this one. Number one, identity isn't something you figure out once. It's something you build in small moments. Number two, if your identity has been tied to roles, transitions will feel destabilizing. Number three, you can't remove shoulds, but you can choose them.
Number four, rebuild self-trust like a muscle, one rep at a time. And number five, start small exploration. Doesn't have to be dramatic. Your do something challenge, which by the way is something I'm trying to bring back at the end of my interviews, is to pick one tiny way to explore maybe a new coffee shop or a different walking route, or a creative habit like journaling for five minutes.
And then I want you to ask yourself, what did I learn about myself from that? That's one of those reps that you are doing as you are regaining the skillset of self-trust. this podcast is listener supported. Members of the Supporters Club. Make my work with about progress free and available to all without putting it all behind a paywall or dramatically increasing our number of ads.
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